Bad mommy?

28 06 2010

I’ve been deliberating talking about this particular topic. My SIL has just gotten separated from her MIL. They had quite a few issues and we’re right on with her to get separated ASAP. Now since the house changing she’s been after the Hubby and MIL to come visit and particularly mentioned bring E. After many discussions we finally decided we would send them for a week. The point of my deliberation is that many people have an issue with you sending your kids away from yourself. Even though I know I’ll miss E like anything, this time I’m not overreacting like the world in crashing or something like I used to think? And then I thought, I’m away from E for almost 10 hours on a good day so what is wrong if travels with his daddi and gets to meet nana nani and so many more relatives. I talk about sending the kid abroad for studies and cant even handle him being away fro a week.

But what pisses me off is the LOOK people give as if we’re the world’s Worst parents who are sending their kid away. I need to clarify it to them that I’m sending him by “choice” not because I have to since no one’s there to take care of him. I would have gladly sent him to daycare right away which he has to eventually start after a month.

I think it’s actually a good idea as the weekend they will be gone is a particularly busy weekend and he would have been very VERY cranky if he were to be dragged everyone around with us. It would also do us good as I’d get my required rest and get over the sleep deprivation so I think there’s no harm.

You guys tell me; do I appear to be really cold hearted if I send my kid away for a week?

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Baby not a baby anymore…

28 06 2010

E is just one week short of turning 18 months. Since the last weekend, he’s acting like he’s gotten older and wiser. It’s like overnight he’s gotten older and more affectionate. I always thought that he would remain the tough guy who everyone would dread since he’s into hitting and pushing etc. But the last 2 days he’s been giving voluntary kisses and hugs and is content with climbing around and then sitting in one place and basically playing with his toys or his feet and is dancing around to the tune of baby tv! Before, I used to be tired thinking of the weekend when he would be whining all day to be picked and all but this weekend, it was a pleasure to be home and take care of my darling! At night he even kissed me goodnight Mashallah!!!





Mommy Guilt

23 06 2010

Read a lot about the Mommy guilt contest and a lot of entries as well. Even though I am not an Indian but it just felt like a good topic to write on.

I am intrinsically a very guilty person, and it’s as easy as ABC to make me feel like shit. Come to think of it, it started when we started our attempts at trying to conceive when it took us a good 6 months of trying to get me pregnant. Everything I did from there can be categorized as guilty.

When E was born, he had to be taken out by vacuum when even the forceps failed.

Guilt: I didn’t try enough to push him out generally.

When trying to feed and one nipple was flat, he was unable to latch on.

Guilt: Everyone can do it, even animals can and I can’t even provide the basics to my child

While trying to unsuccessfully swaddle him, give him a bath, clean him or put him to sleep and would see MIL go through it effortlessly and be the supermom when I’m the actual “Mom”

Guilt:  if she can do it then what’s wrong with me? Why do I need so much rest and why am I feeling like am walking like a zombie in the first few months

While giving him formula very early on and still having loads of milk in the boobs and having to pump it day and night and he’d still be howling all day while he is on my feed:

Guilt: What use is all this milk if I cant even get him to latch on to me. I don’t even know if it’s enough for him or not

When going back to work after 3 months off of my maternity leave

Guilty: I’m such a bad mom that I’m leaving my baby to the MIL and going OUT to have a great time away from my baby.

When ever I take him to the doctor and he has to take antibiotics for treatment and the MIL frowns that the Antibiotics are killing the child

Guilt: Am I really doing the right thing

When ever he has an allergy outburst due to his eczema and has that itchy rash all over.

Guilt: I must have done something wrong or didn’t give him enough feed to fight infections.

Recently when I have to send him to the day care as in laws would be travelling

Guilt: How can I leave my baby to be cared by strangers? L

The list is endless and even when I know what I’m feeling guilty is useless and is NOT in my control, I still feel helpless and end up feeling guilty.





Too much of whining…

22 06 2010

I realize my posts are starting to sound too depressing. I know I’ve named my blog Whiny for a purpose but still….! But what can I do? All I think about these days is sad and depressing things. I’ve taken such a negative attitude towards things and people in general. I can’t understand for the life of me why I have to complicate things to an extreme. I’m constantly stressing myself which don’t need to be pondered on. I’ve decided enough is enough. I need to free up my mind from these stressful thoughts. And for that I’ll blog about them:

Health:

First and foremost is my health. I don’t remember the last time I felt great, health wise. I’ve generally lost my appetite and even if I eat, I eat useless stuff which has result in a silly bulge in my upper abdomen. As the doctors have diagnosed, I have calcium deficiency after child birth and due to my poor diet I need to have supplements. I’m almost always in pain due to my tailbone pain or feeling nauseas or generally too tired for any activity. Even after having a full nights’ sleep, I’m yawning or too lethargic and seems like I’m drained of all my energy.

Hubby:

It’s been a long time since I enjoyed my marriage and my relationship with my husband. He is such a great guy and does not deserve my negative energies. I snap, I fight, expect too much from him, blame him for everything that’s going wrong with me, blame him for not taking care of me and then get mad by saying that you are no longer the person I married. Heck, I’m not the person he married either! After the baby, I basically kicked our relationship and our social life in the gut! Yes, I wanted the in-laws to be a part of our outings and wanted to enjoy with them but did not realize that we should have some ‘Us’ time as well with the 3 of us or the 2 of us. I’m generally so impatient with him, and generally all our nights end with me putting E to sleep and then going to sleep, him coming in the room after ironing his clothes and crashing in bed. Not a word uttered in between. So you can see how bad we’re handling each other after one kid! I was remembering my ex’s words in relation to this when he said that I might be happy now because of hubby (my then fiancé) but my nature’s flaw will not change and it will come to haunt you and your relationship and his words are coming true.

I’ve realized this and am trying to amend it since the last 2 days. I’m trying to be more patient, being more loving and expecting less from him and more from myself to make this better for the 2 of us. Also I realize that we’ll be able to spend a lot more alone and with kiddo time when in laws would be gone and instead of getting worried about how I’m going to be handling the work and home, I should focus on how much freedom I’ll finally be getting.

E – My boy:

I seem to have stopped enjoying E’s antics. All I do is get frustrated and tired with him, scold him and sometimes hit him for being so fidgety not realizing that toddlers are not constructed to SIT still! I have to stop and smile at him no matter how tired or how much in pain I am. This is the time that they have to enjoy and live a life before schools and competitions set it.

In – laws:

I have to stop thinking that would they like it or not. Without even them asking or saying anything, I’ve started assuming that they won’t like it or not. What am I trying to be, God!?? And I also have to stop worrying how much work it will be after they’re gone and start getting excited of the freedom.  Also I’ve decided I will stop worrying about what I’d do if we were to shift during their absence. Hubby is right, if we find the right house then there’s not point waiting for them to come and letting the house go out of our hands. We’ll handle it when it happens so no use worrying about it.





Yet another allergy attack…

21 06 2010

E is having another one of his allergies. URrgghhhh… I am so clueless! What is he allergic to? He’s been itchy all over and fussy and the weather is TERRIBLE! Too many things… Everyone is saying stop his morning egg as its too hot so we’ve stopped it for now and I really hope he gets better.

Its been a week now since the maid showed up. Sick. And today the driver didn’t show up. Gosh! are they all planning to boycott us all together. Wish we didn’t have to depend on outside help so much.

Since the absence of maid, MIL has been washing the dishes and sweeping the ground floor as much as she can but saturday I mopped the floors and washed the bathrooms after ages, almost breaking the back.

Speaking of the back, I and MIL went to this homepathic doctor a few days back for my backpain and her handpain. As expected, he said both of us need supplements and are deficient in Calcium and minerals. Oh well, lets see what these medicines.





Sick and missing hubby

15 06 2010

I’m terribly sick and missing the hubby L and E has an eczema outburst. Yesterday passed by uneventfully with MIL picking me up after office and us going for a few things those need to be bought for in laws’ trip. Got back home late and till then I was almost fainting with the throat pain. Just did not have any strength left. Got through with dinner and took E up but as usual when I’m feeling too tired, he has to bug the hell out by jumping around. During the night he woke once and since I had had cough medicine I had absolutely no energy to pat him to sleep so bought him in bed and slept the remaining SMALL night. E has started getting the tiny little spots on his face and resembles an allergic reaction from his eczema. I’m really of his allergies because I have no idea what ticks this reaction. We hardly change his menu plus the doctor also said it will get better with time and he just needs to be moisturized properly. I used the johnsons shampoo on him twice after a yr’s usage of a specialized moisturizing shampoo. Maybe that’s the reason why he has this allergy. Plus he is scratching his forehead and hair a lot too.

Anyway, got through the night but was unable to sleep peacefully because of the dry, irritating and non-productive cough. When I reached office, I felt as if I would just die from the head and throat ache. Told driver to get me 2 medicines at work and almost died with drowsiness. But it was a magical medicine and I suddenly feel the strength to work and write a POST!

I need to rest and will try to do so tonight and I hope E cooperates with me. 2 days and 1 night down, 1 night and 1 day to go. Hubby reaches tomorrow night! Yoohoo!





Pointless post

14 06 2010

Hubby is out of town for office work and he’ll be gone for 3 days, and the worst part is he will be meeting my folks and I wont  I wish niece had stayed while he was gone to keep me company.
I’m really sad. Plus, I have also not been too well. I have flu and had fever all through Friday. Suffice it to say that I survived the weekend with an energetic toddler MA.
The worst part about hubby not being in town is bearing MIL’s sulking face alone. She’s still not well but when I do try to show my concern and give her medicine, she is expressionless and nonchalant about it. And I end up hating myself for even trying. I guess the best thing to do is to be quiet and get through this time without any harm.
It’s a totally pointless post, just wanted to vent. Pray for me!