Depressive post ahead…

24 09 2010

I’m sad today. It suddenly dawned on me that I’m so old. Maybe not age wise but I feel so old. Last night I went to my friend’s engagement party and didn’t take Hubby and E along since I did not want to end up running crazy after E. Since 2 of my old friends from University were also coming, I wanted to enjoy with them since I was so happy for meeting them all after so many years. The minute I stepped inside, I knew I did not belong here. The over dressed and over pretentious group of people. Met the groom (my friend) and then he went to his place on the stage. The other friend came with his newly married wife and I felt so OLD in front of her, not to forget Underdressed. The maximum time of the function I spent alone on my mobile. I’m not sure if I’d had thought the same thing had my best friends from the same showed up. I haven’t really been too much in touch with them since a long time now. I kept missing hubby and E thinking that those are the people  I belong with. I’m not complete with out them. I missed running after E, at least that way I wouldn’t have been terribly conscious of my self.

This is when that after marriage or kids or any new milestone, you tend to gravitate towards the new person and do not make much of an effort to remain in touch. There are some friends with whom time does not matter and you can meet after years and start where you left. The ones I met last night were not amongst them.

But I do regret not staying in touch with a lot of people due to my hectic life. At the end of the day I have absolutely no one who I can confide in. My best friend has shifted to another country and I so miss her but I don’t call her thinking that what if there are silent gaps while talking to her, what if we don’t have anything to talk about? What if we can’t reconnect again? I prefer writing to her rather than talking to keep alive the myth of my mind that I have a best friend when the truth is that we kind of lost touch when she and I got married and got busy with our lives.

I’m the kind who likes the predictability of my routine. Maybe I want to be so busy that I don’t get time to think about the lack of friends in my life. The result of it all was that I ended up in that terrible phase of self pity! When you’re right down there you feel the following:

I don’t belong here

I look fat

I hate my hair

I’m so old! (At 27 years!!)

My hubby doesn’t love me (Even when he wakes up early every morning to make me tea and scrambled egg with cheese)

I’m so UNDER DRESSED

I’m unable to be good daughter, DIL, wife or a good mother!

I feel like Shit!

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