this post does not deserve a title

21 07 2011

Long rant ahead, I’m in a whiny WHINY mood and YOU my readers will suffer the wrath. Most of the post ahead will not make sense and will have many spell check errors, but I don’t CARE! (Yes, I write mostly when I’m drowning in self pity)

I think I’m at the lowest point of my life; I CAN and DO cry at the drop of a hat. I’m the most miserable when I’m at work as I have NO WORK. Apart from that my will to work has GONE! I feel old and rusted and feel all my education has gone down the drain. I’m getting more and more distant from my colleagues here. I’m interacting VERY less with everyone. I’m feeling so useless that I feel sorry for the company that they are tolerating me in my inactivity. I don’t know what I will decide after the maternity leave is over and my baby will Insha Allah be safely out of me and seeing if a maid situation works out or not but I think I’m mentally prepared for a break. If this is the kind of work conditions I have to return to, then I might as well be with my babies.

As stated before, my boss has become the project manager for another project outside of my division so he stays outstation 4/5 working days, comes on one day and is roaming and boasting about him and the scale of project the whole day. He has absolutely NO work yet for us, especially I. I had specifically told him that the management is getting frustrated with the lack of work our section has and he calmly said, its ok if you are IDLE for a few days, not the end of the world. He does NOT care to protect his own section as he is involved in this BIG project. Another one of the reason is probably because he can see I’m on family way so he does not trust me with any responsibilities. I’m interacting less with the section people as well as females I used to call “Friends”. I eat my lunch alone on my seat and just keep the bloggers as my company and either go to the GIRLS if I feel like it, which is becoming rare nowadays. I feel so out of all the discussion and so in the pits that I feel I’m alone even in a crowd. Not good for the self esteem. I generally read blogs the whole day and either get up for loo breaks or a few minutes chit chat or come on seat and keep my head down. I just can’t wait to head back home and be with E.

Pregnancy wise, its Masha Allah the 7th month and am at a stage where I’m getting bigger by the day, hogging like a pig and looking at thin and smart people make me depressed, Every day I look at myself in the mirror and think I’m FAT (Duh!) and UGLY and as hubby if he still loves me (he’s smart enough to say the right thing). I have aches and pains everywhere, getting up, sitting down, walking, lying, everything is a chore and it’s a terrible feeling to get up in the morning after an 8 hour interrupted sleep (E and loo breaks) and feel tired even then! People can actually predict what I will be wearing the next day due to my limited MATERNITY wear (yea, I’m THAT shallow). Doing work for and lifting E is getting difficult due to the football hanging between my legs.

E, in addition to getting sweeter by the day, is also getting a will of his own. He’s back to his bad behavior of spitting, hitting, pinching, shouting and crying even he’s ALL our attention. I fail to understand what to do. His routine is back to normal and I’m trying my best not to hit him in order to discipline him but nothings working (he’s 2.5 yrs btw). He has also started getting up in the middle of the night (as many as he wants) and crawls or jumps in our bed, where he ends up kicking my tummy or back as he pleases in his sleep. Not good for later! I so want to take out E from his daycare as I feel he’s not learning much there but I don’t want him to end up at home all day. That’s why I’m trying to get him admitted in a school so that he can transition from daycare to a playgroup. It will be difficult with the new baby home but I’ll have additional things on my hand so I cant say I’m bored.

I’m missing my folks terribly. I just feel like curling up in my father’s lap and weeping. I never tell my folks about my problems (touchwood, I don’t have any) or my depression. The only people I share it with is my male colleague who is also a great friend, and sometimes my hubby if I’m in the mood for it and of course you my blog friends.

Silver lining: MIL and hubby are being the sweetest and doing their best to help me out in my time of difficulty.

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Time to get down to business

6 07 2011

Been doing a lot of reading and no writing so its time to get on with business. As usual, it’ll be a bullet point update since I’m thinking too many things at the same time.
• SIL left 2 weeks back. E was initially missing them but now he has settled with the answer that they have gone home.
• E’s getting ubber sweet by the day since he has started speaking complete sentences. He leaves us gaping and in awe
• I’m 25+ weeks pregnant and showing very obviously. Started off at 47kg and went to 49kg, came down at 47 kg and now finally at 52 kg in 6 months. Blood reports are again showing a slight dip in my HB and I need to double my iron supplements and I just cannot do it. The medicines are too heavy for me and if I increase that then my appetite goes down. I know my tendency to get anemic so I know for a fact that I’ll eventually get the iron shots so I might as well not put my body through the double doses.
• SIL’s quick departure left a bad taste in our mouth (mine and hubby’s) but who am I to object?
• Since the beginning, I have always cautioned hubby as to not mix professional and personal life with each other but he would not pay heed to it. We have another shop in the SIL’s city and her husband is employed there since a few months now. The owner of the shop is now complaining to hubby that your BIL is just too casual over there plus there’s no discipline. He has given a warning that if it’s not sorted out, he will want hubby to fire BIL. I know it was the “I told you so” moment for me but I’m worried about what will happen now.
• Still procrastinating about continuing to work after the baby or not.
• The new house will Inshallah be ready by the time the baby is ready 😉 Plan to move before the D Day! Hope everything goes well.
• No news on E’s admission so I’m a nervous wreck right now.
• Office conditions are still as bad as before. No work AT ALL and sitting idle is killing me. My immediate supervisor has gone to another city for work assignments so he’s basically here for 1 day out of 5 and spends the day boasting about the work he has done (NOT!). I have no responsibilities just odd jobs which cannot be billed. The only consolation is that I have this month of July to get through since August is Ramadan and it’s easier with half day and right after Eid I should be on my Maternity leave. Though I have no clue what I’ll do on my Maternity leave Prenatal since E would also be out for half the day and there’s not much to be done at home. Oh well, I’ll procrastinate again! 🙂
• My mommy is coming in October!!! Yipppee 😀