this post does not deserve a title

21 07 2011

Long rant ahead, I’m in a whiny WHINY mood and YOU my readers will suffer the wrath. Most of the post ahead will not make sense and will have many spell check errors, but I don’t CARE! (Yes, I write mostly when I’m drowning in self pity)

I think I’m at the lowest point of my life; I CAN and DO cry at the drop of a hat. I’m the most miserable when I’m at work as I have NO WORK. Apart from that my will to work has GONE! I feel old and rusted and feel all my education has gone down the drain. I’m getting more and more distant from my colleagues here. I’m interacting VERY less with everyone. I’m feeling so useless that I feel sorry for the company that they are tolerating me in my inactivity. I don’t know what I will decide after the maternity leave is over and my baby will Insha Allah be safely out of me and seeing if a maid situation works out or not but I think I’m mentally prepared for a break. If this is the kind of work conditions I have to return to, then I might as well be with my babies.

As stated before, my boss has become the project manager for another project outside of my division so he stays outstation 4/5 working days, comes on one day and is roaming and boasting about him and the scale of project the whole day. He has absolutely NO work yet for us, especially I. I had specifically told him that the management is getting frustrated with the lack of work our section has and he calmly said, its ok if you are IDLE for a few days, not the end of the world. He does NOT care to protect his own section as he is involved in this BIG project. Another one of the reason is probably because he can see I’m on family way so he does not trust me with any responsibilities. I’m interacting less with the section people as well as females I used to call “Friends”. I eat my lunch alone on my seat and just keep the bloggers as my company and either go to the GIRLS if I feel like it, which is becoming rare nowadays. I feel so out of all the discussion and so in the pits that I feel I’m alone even in a crowd. Not good for the self esteem. I generally read blogs the whole day and either get up for loo breaks or a few minutes chit chat or come on seat and keep my head down. I just can’t wait to head back home and be with E.

Pregnancy wise, its Masha Allah the 7th month and am at a stage where I’m getting bigger by the day, hogging like a pig and looking at thin and smart people make me depressed, Every day I look at myself in the mirror and think I’m FAT (Duh!) and UGLY and as hubby if he still loves me (he’s smart enough to say the right thing). I have aches and pains everywhere, getting up, sitting down, walking, lying, everything is a chore and it’s a terrible feeling to get up in the morning after an 8 hour interrupted sleep (E and loo breaks) and feel tired even then! People can actually predict what I will be wearing the next day due to my limited MATERNITY wear (yea, I’m THAT shallow). Doing work for and lifting E is getting difficult due to the football hanging between my legs.

E, in addition to getting sweeter by the day, is also getting a will of his own. He’s back to his bad behavior of spitting, hitting, pinching, shouting and crying even he’s ALL our attention. I fail to understand what to do. His routine is back to normal and I’m trying my best not to hit him in order to discipline him but nothings working (he’s 2.5 yrs btw). He has also started getting up in the middle of the night (as many as he wants) and crawls or jumps in our bed, where he ends up kicking my tummy or back as he pleases in his sleep. Not good for later! I so want to take out E from his daycare as I feel he’s not learning much there but I don’t want him to end up at home all day. That’s why I’m trying to get him admitted in a school so that he can transition from daycare to a playgroup. It will be difficult with the new baby home but I’ll have additional things on my hand so I cant say I’m bored.

I’m missing my folks terribly. I just feel like curling up in my father’s lap and weeping. I never tell my folks about my problems (touchwood, I don’t have any) or my depression. The only people I share it with is my male colleague who is also a great friend, and sometimes my hubby if I’m in the mood for it and of course you my blog friends.

Silver lining: MIL and hubby are being the sweetest and doing their best to help me out in my time of difficulty.

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7 responses

21 07 2011
Nuttie Natters

U saw the silver lining on ur own now didn’t u whiny….take care, am sure things will become better…hugs!!

22 07 2011
avymom

All will clear soon, keep your head strong and keep going. Once the baby gets here, you would not even have a minute to feel bored!!!

25 07 2011
Little Fingers

Hugs my dear, everything will fall back to its place..take care..

27 07 2011
momofrs

Blame it on them hormones, I say!!
Always creating a problem where there is none 😀
The way you feel is perfectly alright, perfectly natural. Its okay to use your hubby as a punching bag at this time, because
1) they’ll take all the s*** you dish out
2) you’ll feel better 😀
So chin-up, cheer-up. Just a couple of months to go.
InshaAllah, we’ll be hearing very good news soon 🙂

28 07 2011
forevermother

Hi Dear Whiny Mom
Are you the same whinymom who visits my blog these days?…Not too sure, so I’m asking 🙂
Just read this post of yours…the first I’m reading of yours. And you sound just like I did during my pregnancy!!! Of course, you’re brave and having a second 🙂
It’s your birthright to feel the way you do… fatigue+hormones+home+work+people outside your stomach+little person inside stomach = LOTS to bug you. So see, you are justified in feeling the way you are.
We all go through it in phases, and you probably know from earlier experience that the last trimester is testing — you just want to be done with the delivery. Just know that you are not alone…just find another woman who’s running almost parallel to you in pregnancy months and you can boh crib to each other and feel better — empathy from non-pregnant people may be a little less 😉
If there’s no work, take advantage of it, walk around a bit in office, do some deep breathing when everyone pushes off for lunch, keep a plant by your work station — I’m sure something will cheer you up.
Indecision is also a part of pregnancy — wondering to work or not — I’ve been through that conundrum too. Don’t worry too much. Finally, your instincts will take over and destiny will lead you to what’s in store.
Cheer up, feel free to vent and whine, crib, rant….just finish it on your blog or with friends and put the smile back on 🙂
ALL THE BEST

28 07 2011
whinymom

Yes, I’m the same Whiny Mom 🙂

12 08 2011
Vidya

Came in from R’s mom.. Things will sort by itself.. All you’ll need to do is- CHEER UP!! And whine if it makes you feel better:) Take care and wish you a happy pregnancy!

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