this post does not deserve a title

21 07 2011

Long rant ahead, I’m in a whiny WHINY mood and YOU my readers will suffer the wrath. Most of the post ahead will not make sense and will have many spell check errors, but I don’t CARE! (Yes, I write mostly when I’m drowning in self pity)

I think I’m at the lowest point of my life; I CAN and DO cry at the drop of a hat. I’m the most miserable when I’m at work as I have NO WORK. Apart from that my will to work has GONE! I feel old and rusted and feel all my education has gone down the drain. I’m getting more and more distant from my colleagues here. I’m interacting VERY less with everyone. I’m feeling so useless that I feel sorry for the company that they are tolerating me in my inactivity. I don’t know what I will decide after the maternity leave is over and my baby will Insha Allah be safely out of me and seeing if a maid situation works out or not but I think I’m mentally prepared for a break. If this is the kind of work conditions I have to return to, then I might as well be with my babies.

As stated before, my boss has become the project manager for another project outside of my division so he stays outstation 4/5 working days, comes on one day and is roaming and boasting about him and the scale of project the whole day. He has absolutely NO work yet for us, especially I. I had specifically told him that the management is getting frustrated with the lack of work our section has and he calmly said, its ok if you are IDLE for a few days, not the end of the world. He does NOT care to protect his own section as he is involved in this BIG project. Another one of the reason is probably because he can see I’m on family way so he does not trust me with any responsibilities. I’m interacting less with the section people as well as females I used to call “Friends”. I eat my lunch alone on my seat and just keep the bloggers as my company and either go to the GIRLS if I feel like it, which is becoming rare nowadays. I feel so out of all the discussion and so in the pits that I feel I’m alone even in a crowd. Not good for the self esteem. I generally read blogs the whole day and either get up for loo breaks or a few minutes chit chat or come on seat and keep my head down. I just can’t wait to head back home and be with E.

Pregnancy wise, its Masha Allah the 7th month and am at a stage where I’m getting bigger by the day, hogging like a pig and looking at thin and smart people make me depressed, Every day I look at myself in the mirror and think I’m FAT (Duh!) and UGLY and as hubby if he still loves me (he’s smart enough to say the right thing). I have aches and pains everywhere, getting up, sitting down, walking, lying, everything is a chore and it’s a terrible feeling to get up in the morning after an 8 hour interrupted sleep (E and loo breaks) and feel tired even then! People can actually predict what I will be wearing the next day due to my limited MATERNITY wear (yea, I’m THAT shallow). Doing work for and lifting E is getting difficult due to the football hanging between my legs.

E, in addition to getting sweeter by the day, is also getting a will of his own. He’s back to his bad behavior of spitting, hitting, pinching, shouting and crying even he’s ALL our attention. I fail to understand what to do. His routine is back to normal and I’m trying my best not to hit him in order to discipline him but nothings working (he’s 2.5 yrs btw). He has also started getting up in the middle of the night (as many as he wants) and crawls or jumps in our bed, where he ends up kicking my tummy or back as he pleases in his sleep. Not good for later! I so want to take out E from his daycare as I feel he’s not learning much there but I don’t want him to end up at home all day. That’s why I’m trying to get him admitted in a school so that he can transition from daycare to a playgroup. It will be difficult with the new baby home but I’ll have additional things on my hand so I cant say I’m bored.

I’m missing my folks terribly. I just feel like curling up in my father’s lap and weeping. I never tell my folks about my problems (touchwood, I don’t have any) or my depression. The only people I share it with is my male colleague who is also a great friend, and sometimes my hubby if I’m in the mood for it and of course you my blog friends.

Silver lining: MIL and hubby are being the sweetest and doing their best to help me out in my time of difficulty.


Time to get down to business

6 07 2011

Been doing a lot of reading and no writing so its time to get on with business. As usual, it’ll be a bullet point update since I’m thinking too many things at the same time.
• SIL left 2 weeks back. E was initially missing them but now he has settled with the answer that they have gone home.
• E’s getting ubber sweet by the day since he has started speaking complete sentences. He leaves us gaping and in awe
• I’m 25+ weeks pregnant and showing very obviously. Started off at 47kg and went to 49kg, came down at 47 kg and now finally at 52 kg in 6 months. Blood reports are again showing a slight dip in my HB and I need to double my iron supplements and I just cannot do it. The medicines are too heavy for me and if I increase that then my appetite goes down. I know my tendency to get anemic so I know for a fact that I’ll eventually get the iron shots so I might as well not put my body through the double doses.
• SIL’s quick departure left a bad taste in our mouth (mine and hubby’s) but who am I to object?
• Since the beginning, I have always cautioned hubby as to not mix professional and personal life with each other but he would not pay heed to it. We have another shop in the SIL’s city and her husband is employed there since a few months now. The owner of the shop is now complaining to hubby that your BIL is just too casual over there plus there’s no discipline. He has given a warning that if it’s not sorted out, he will want hubby to fire BIL. I know it was the “I told you so” moment for me but I’m worried about what will happen now.
• Still procrastinating about continuing to work after the baby or not.
• The new house will Inshallah be ready by the time the baby is ready 😉 Plan to move before the D Day! Hope everything goes well.
• No news on E’s admission so I’m a nervous wreck right now.
• Office conditions are still as bad as before. No work AT ALL and sitting idle is killing me. My immediate supervisor has gone to another city for work assignments so he’s basically here for 1 day out of 5 and spends the day boasting about the work he has done (NOT!). I have no responsibilities just odd jobs which cannot be billed. The only consolation is that I have this month of July to get through since August is Ramadan and it’s easier with half day and right after Eid I should be on my Maternity leave. Though I have no clue what I’ll do on my Maternity leave Prenatal since E would also be out for half the day and there’s not much to be done at home. Oh well, I’ll procrastinate again! 🙂
• My mommy is coming in October!!! Yipppee 😀

weekend cribbing…

14 06 2011

Too much to write about this weekend. One day before weekend that is. I’m sorry but I’ll just bullet post it. This is a VERY long post mostly cribbing and whining so feel free to hit cross. I just had to vent it here.

• I had a long talk with Hubby about things at home and his behavior with MIL and SIL. I had this 30 something minute conversation on the cell with hubby since we don’t spend any time talking to each other at home. I told him that MIL and SIL are complaining about you temper and behavior to me. They know I will eventually tell you about it and the message will get through. I told him point blank that I don’t like the way SIL is bringing up her daughter but hitting and shouting and hurling abuses at her for 5 year olds tantrums. Heck she even shouts at her 6 month old during meal times who is always smiling and being a baby. BUT I don’t comment on it, nor do I preach about how to bring her kids up since I am no expert in that as I’m still learning. The only pity I feel is that MIL also doesn’t say much to her. I know if I do this at my parents’, they would only tolerate it for a day or two and then tell me to zip up and be a parent and let E be a baby. I also told Hubby that it is only MIL who can say something, not He or I. I told him that times have changed since the time they were kids and Hubby used to boss around SIL. Now when he tries to scold her, she shouts back in a nasty way which none of us appreciate since well times have changed for all of us. He also told me a few things which I need to fix at home in the sense that I need to stay out of most of MIL/SIL issues. I need to be more nonchalant about many things and let them plan and decide most things on their own rather then being the one to initiate plans for them. I told hubby that he has become a grouchy old man and he needs to be a little softer at home.
• I’ve crossed the 5th month of pregnancy and handling tantrums at home is getting on my nerves, combined with pregnancy hormones. I really want a vacation; just don’t know when and how.
• On Friday E slipped during bath and his teeth cut his lips. SIL was giving him a bath and left to get the towel and that’s when it happened. On seeing E’s blood she was crying and apologizing, not that it was needed since it could’ve happened to him anyways knowing the hyper E! Hubby had gone home to drop E and this happened, after which the MIL tried to apply sugar to it but he would let anyone touch it. Hubby called me as he was getting out for office again after lunch and told me what happened. I generally don’t OVER REACT in a Hollywood mother kind of a way in such a scenario. I calmly called MIL and asked how is E? They said he is sleeping. I calmly asked do we need to put any ointment or medicine on it which I can bring on my way back from work, she (the MIL) overreacted and said NO need, only sugar needs to put. She went on saying again and again and that he is perfectly fine and is sleeping and “Sirf cheeni hi lagatey hain”. I said fine and she banged the phone on me.
This weekend, E developed an infection on his lip and is currently on Antibiotics for healing it.
• On Saturday, we all decided to take all the kids for a checkup and especially show E for his lips and plus E’s been having slight fever since a week which goes up to max 101 and then gets normal again. Call me a bad mum; it didn’t even occur to me that he might be showing signs of malaria. When hubby came home, E was his usual self and had no temp and hubby said to leave it, we don’t need to take him to the doctor. I said fine.
• The only good part, Saturday night we ALL were invited to a wedding where SIL refused to come along, MIL said the same thing, FIL wasn’t feeling well. I told Hubby I WANT to go out with him and E and spend some quality time with them. It turned out great, it was raining cats and dogs and the weather gave us much respite from the hot and humid days, we got out late for the wedding, enjoyed the cool air while E slept. In the wedding hall, very few people turned up due to the heavy rain so it was not too crowded and we had a lot of fun. After getting out from the wedding, myself, hubby and E started racing on the side space they have out side the hall so more fun added to it. As we got in car, E started getting feverish again. When we reached home, I gave E some Calpol to get him through the night on which SIL taunted, in a joking way, albeit a taunt, Hubby that “Aisa nahin k bacche ko doctor ke pass le jao, chal diye ho shadi pe”. I know very well if hubby had taken it seriously and commented back, it wouldn’t have been a great scene.
• Sunday: had sort of a row with FIL where I told him I need the other car on Monday morning to take E to the doctor and get him checked for a possible malaria and he refused saying he had work till 11-12 pm which was too late for me. I wasn’t direct but gave him the message that E’s health is important and cannot be ignored anymore, ALL in front of hubby, who stayed quite. Hubby then told me he would take the next day’s first half off and take us ALL (Myself, E, SIL, her 2 daughters and MIL) to the doctor.
• The plan to go to doctor was fixed at 9:30 am as there is always an hour long waiting at this particular doctor. Hubby, on our way back from dinner on Sunday night, told all in the car that we need to be out by 9:30 am. The SIL was talking softly that her kids (Read: her kids AND herself) are not up by that time and when they are up their breakfast needs time. She was telling all this to MIL in a hushed tone. She could’ve told hubby right then and there that she won’t come so early but she didn’t and hubby even after hearing this acted like he did not hear it. Morning came and we were up and as expected it was dark for all the other at home. MIL still got up and ready to come with us but then hubby told her to stay home and we’ll take E to the doctor. I suspect that MIL did not appreciate it but then we can’t keep everyone happy. SIL not only did not come with us, she didn’t even have the courtesy to let us know that they won’t be coming. She has been cribbing about taking her kids to this doctor since the day she came and ALWAYS complains of the CAR not being available. {We live pretty far from the main city and thus its not possible for the car to stay at home since its needed to pick E up and then FIL sits at our shop which constantly needs the car for picking and dropping supplies}. When we got back home, as expected, everyone was showing an attitude and I stayed nonchalant. Told MIL what the doc said when she didn’t even ask and hubby was in the kitchen then and saw MIL’s expressions quite clearly but didn’t say anything, neither did I. SIL then said she wants to reschedule her flight to one week BEFORE the planned date. Neither I, nor hubby protested and booked it. When hubby asked her why she wants to leave before, she said her hubby is alone there, we said fine, suit yourself.
I don’t think I have it in me to write any further.

the weekend saga 1

13 04 2011

Hello All! How have you all been doing? Lots of updates at my end! Let’s get started at once…

I’ve been sick, like sick as a DOG! Came down with a BAD flu and started fever immediately accompanied by cough. Skipped work on Friday and the head kept on spinning throughout. Was under the impression that cannot take any medication in pregnancy so kept on popping panadols and taking steam. Saturday was my gynae appointment so went there and the doctor reprimanded me for not coming in earlier. She prescribed a few light medicines and I’m recovering now Alhamdulillah.

My MIL had also not been feeling too well. She’s been having pain in her right shoulder for quite some time now so she also had an appointment on the same day with me. The doctor prescribed medicines and an injection in the shoulder itself (Shudder, very scary to look at) Very conveniently; the hubby was unavailable to take us there (another story). So that left me to run around the hospital with a toddler who refused to leave my side and sit. It’s a wonder he didn’t get lost Alhamdulillah. Anyways after loads of rounds for receipts and tests and God know what, we got free from the doctor. Guess who came as soon as we were done with all the running, the hubby dear of course (gritting my teeth).

MIL had to get another scan for her bones so we went the next day and got it done. Bad news for the bones, very bad ostreoposis condition. Let’s hope the medicines do their job. One good thing came out of it is that due to all this pain she’s having, I finally learnt how to make rotis!! A very big achievement for me who had vowed never to make rotis as they come out shaped as planets. I don’t make them too big in size but they are improving in shape with time. Thank God! Next stop, Chicken Biryani without looking in the recipe diary 😉

On E’s front, E won the battle of sleeping with us due to I not feeling well and the hubby being lenient him. I regret it as I know it will cause problems for all of us when I try to get him to sleep in his room. I was so tired and sick that I didn’t know any better and let him in the bed from the start of the night. He’s getting a little comfortable but nevertheless low quality sleep for all of us. Well, if we wanted good sleep, we shouldn’t have had kids: p. I am giving this idea a thought that I should move hubby and E to another room but then summers are almost on our heads and there is no AC in that room plus no UPS connection and there’s so much of load shedding at night. Plus we’ll be moving in the new house before the baby Inshallah so might as well make the changes after the move?

Another thing troubling me is that E has started skipping his lunch. I won’t say we’ve never had this problem but never for so long. It’s been more then a week that he brings back his lunch box from the daycare; either hardly touched or just barely had 2 bites. He comes back to the MIL in the afternoon, takes a full bottle of milk and sleeps. After he gets up; take his milky tea with biscuits and we are off to the community center and upon our return home, he takes his dinner followed by milk and goes to sleep. It worries me to no end that he’s not his usual self with not eating as much as he used to enjoy his food. Is it because he’s getting his molars (half of it is still in the gums) or because his sleep is getting affected or because he has flu and cough (getting better now) or maybe there’s some other reason that I don’t know of. Is it because he does not like his food? He used to love nuggets and now he won’t take in a bite of it. He does also not like his rice and salan which he previously loved! Moms, Ideas and advice please.

not interested

18 03 2011

I’m about to write on a very sensitive topic which has been on my mind since almost a year now. At first I didn’t want to admit it and thought that if I stopped thinking about it, it would solve the problem but to no avail. The problem is increasing with each day.
I’ve stopped enjoying physical intimacy with the hubby since a year after E’s birth. Initially it was due to the tiring routine and the lack of sleep. Now thankfully, the sleep problem is resolved, not completely but is a lot more predictable. Still, I DON’T enjoy it. I have never talked openly about it to hubby but I feel that even he sometimes understands that I’m not into it. During it once a month also seems like a chore. The sleep before he comes in the room and that gives me an excuse not to do it. Yesterday night, I tried so hard to fake it, in the middle I think even he figured out that I just wanted to get it over with but somehow we both got off. I really don’t want to hurt him and he’s so sweet that he never pressurizes me or forces me in it, Mashallah but I feel that I’m not keeping my part of the bargain. I feel so guilty for him that he has to wait for so many weeks before we do it and that too I hurry it up.
I’m sorry for talking on this subject which might seem silly to many and many might not accept but I really needed to get it off my head my chest. I don’t know what to do, is it just pregnancy or am I loosing interest in him? What is it? Help please.

Whining continues…

21 12 2010

I’m tired, I’m running low on patience, I’m sick and I’m missing my folks L

We had a 4 day long weekend at work and I though it would be great. This is how my lOOONG weekend went;


Day 1: We were generally resting the day. Got up a little late and spent the day lazing around.

Day 2: The maid did NOT show up and I had LOADS of dishes and the house was a mess! I washed the dishes and the house, made lunch with trying to manage my dangerous toddler, trying to clean up the store, running crazy. Hubby had gone out for work.

Day 3: Hubby had a cricket match with his buddies and he injured his pinky finger of the right hand. Upon X-Ray, we found it was a fracture and needed plaster for 4 weeks (later we found that the ring finger was also majorly injured and required care for 6 weeks!!)

Day 4: Hubby in pain and not willing to take the pain killing shot, terrified like a baby! E throwing tantrums that Baba cannot pick him up!

We somehow survived the weekend. First day of the work week started with me contacting food poisoning and having severe diarrhea. It’s better today though. Hubby has been instructed to reach office early which means getting E ready before he’s had his sleep resulting in a cranky toddler. Moreover, since hubby cant dress him up now, I’ve been granted the honor and if you know my fidgety toddler then you will know what I mean. It’s back breaking!

On the house construction bit, we are running out of patience. The authorities here are so corrupt! They are completely ruining out budget and I’m so frustrated with the pace that things are going. It makes me cry that we are doing such an evil thing but giving them extra money for getting the work done. Every single person there is corrupt from top to bottom and this is driving us insane! All this is causing useless fights between the 2 of us!

So that’s how I’ve been, how have you all been? :p

long time

9 12 2010

I realize I haven’t written in almost a month. I’ve been so busy with work that as soon as I plan to write a post, something or the other comes up. And hubby doesn’t know of this blog of mine so I cant blog from home, not that I have any time left at home anyways. I mentioned that the MIL is back and has now gone to meet her younger daughter out of city. SIL is having another baby. Actually she HAD another baby; it’s a GIRL and was given birth to on 8th Dec 2010. A very healthy 8 pound baby Mashallah! So it’s the 4 of us at home, Me, hubby, FIL and E. E is getting so close to being 2! My God, I don’t know how time flies. E has learned so many new things, like he would raise both of his eyes in the Oh my God kind of way and would give me the raise brows in an inquiring way. He says Janu to call his baba(I call hubby Janu) and he calls by saying Suno to me and baba. The not so great part of the Terrible Twos is that he is getting very violent with each day. He has started biting an hitting and pulling hair of his daycare buddies and he would say No to everything. Im seriously getting worried about him and his behavior and don’t know how to control it. Is it because he is getting so less time at home because of our office schedule? Plus he has started his stubbornness at being in his crib all night. He goes to bed there but after 3 hours he gets up and wants to be in bed and would cry cry and cry till we let him. Will he get through this time? Is it just a phase? My worst method of trying to control him is hitting or biting him to show that it hurts but that is making him ht and bite more. I feel so guilty doing that and keep on thinking that I’ not a good enough mother that I do such things to control my baby. Plus the fact that E does not want anyone else in the middle of the night other then his baba is making me more bad that he doesn’t love me iv just been very upset these days. The house is bought and is in my name  and work would start end Dec Inshallah. That’s about it for now