this post does not deserve a title

21 07 2011

Long rant ahead, I’m in a whiny WHINY mood and YOU my readers will suffer the wrath. Most of the post ahead will not make sense and will have many spell check errors, but I don’t CARE! (Yes, I write mostly when I’m drowning in self pity)

I think I’m at the lowest point of my life; I CAN and DO cry at the drop of a hat. I’m the most miserable when I’m at work as I have NO WORK. Apart from that my will to work has GONE! I feel old and rusted and feel all my education has gone down the drain. I’m getting more and more distant from my colleagues here. I’m interacting VERY less with everyone. I’m feeling so useless that I feel sorry for the company that they are tolerating me in my inactivity. I don’t know what I will decide after the maternity leave is over and my baby will Insha Allah be safely out of me and seeing if a maid situation works out or not but I think I’m mentally prepared for a break. If this is the kind of work conditions I have to return to, then I might as well be with my babies.

As stated before, my boss has become the project manager for another project outside of my division so he stays outstation 4/5 working days, comes on one day and is roaming and boasting about him and the scale of project the whole day. He has absolutely NO work yet for us, especially I. I had specifically told him that the management is getting frustrated with the lack of work our section has and he calmly said, its ok if you are IDLE for a few days, not the end of the world. He does NOT care to protect his own section as he is involved in this BIG project. Another one of the reason is probably because he can see I’m on family way so he does not trust me with any responsibilities. I’m interacting less with the section people as well as females I used to call “Friends”. I eat my lunch alone on my seat and just keep the bloggers as my company and either go to the GIRLS if I feel like it, which is becoming rare nowadays. I feel so out of all the discussion and so in the pits that I feel I’m alone even in a crowd. Not good for the self esteem. I generally read blogs the whole day and either get up for loo breaks or a few minutes chit chat or come on seat and keep my head down. I just can’t wait to head back home and be with E.

Pregnancy wise, its Masha Allah the 7th month and am at a stage where I’m getting bigger by the day, hogging like a pig and looking at thin and smart people make me depressed, Every day I look at myself in the mirror and think I’m FAT (Duh!) and UGLY and as hubby if he still loves me (he’s smart enough to say the right thing). I have aches and pains everywhere, getting up, sitting down, walking, lying, everything is a chore and it’s a terrible feeling to get up in the morning after an 8 hour interrupted sleep (E and loo breaks) and feel tired even then! People can actually predict what I will be wearing the next day due to my limited MATERNITY wear (yea, I’m THAT shallow). Doing work for and lifting E is getting difficult due to the football hanging between my legs.

E, in addition to getting sweeter by the day, is also getting a will of his own. He’s back to his bad behavior of spitting, hitting, pinching, shouting and crying even he’s ALL our attention. I fail to understand what to do. His routine is back to normal and I’m trying my best not to hit him in order to discipline him but nothings working (he’s 2.5 yrs btw). He has also started getting up in the middle of the night (as many as he wants) and crawls or jumps in our bed, where he ends up kicking my tummy or back as he pleases in his sleep. Not good for later! I so want to take out E from his daycare as I feel he’s not learning much there but I don’t want him to end up at home all day. That’s why I’m trying to get him admitted in a school so that he can transition from daycare to a playgroup. It will be difficult with the new baby home but I’ll have additional things on my hand so I cant say I’m bored.

I’m missing my folks terribly. I just feel like curling up in my father’s lap and weeping. I never tell my folks about my problems (touchwood, I don’t have any) or my depression. The only people I share it with is my male colleague who is also a great friend, and sometimes my hubby if I’m in the mood for it and of course you my blog friends.

Silver lining: MIL and hubby are being the sweetest and doing their best to help me out in my time of difficulty.





weekend cribbing…

14 06 2011

Too much to write about this weekend. One day before weekend that is. I’m sorry but I’ll just bullet post it. This is a VERY long post mostly cribbing and whining so feel free to hit cross. I just had to vent it here.

• I had a long talk with Hubby about things at home and his behavior with MIL and SIL. I had this 30 something minute conversation on the cell with hubby since we don’t spend any time talking to each other at home. I told him that MIL and SIL are complaining about you temper and behavior to me. They know I will eventually tell you about it and the message will get through. I told him point blank that I don’t like the way SIL is bringing up her daughter but hitting and shouting and hurling abuses at her for 5 year olds tantrums. Heck she even shouts at her 6 month old during meal times who is always smiling and being a baby. BUT I don’t comment on it, nor do I preach about how to bring her kids up since I am no expert in that as I’m still learning. The only pity I feel is that MIL also doesn’t say much to her. I know if I do this at my parents’, they would only tolerate it for a day or two and then tell me to zip up and be a parent and let E be a baby. I also told Hubby that it is only MIL who can say something, not He or I. I told him that times have changed since the time they were kids and Hubby used to boss around SIL. Now when he tries to scold her, she shouts back in a nasty way which none of us appreciate since well times have changed for all of us. He also told me a few things which I need to fix at home in the sense that I need to stay out of most of MIL/SIL issues. I need to be more nonchalant about many things and let them plan and decide most things on their own rather then being the one to initiate plans for them. I told hubby that he has become a grouchy old man and he needs to be a little softer at home.
• I’ve crossed the 5th month of pregnancy and handling tantrums at home is getting on my nerves, combined with pregnancy hormones. I really want a vacation; just don’t know when and how.
• On Friday E slipped during bath and his teeth cut his lips. SIL was giving him a bath and left to get the towel and that’s when it happened. On seeing E’s blood she was crying and apologizing, not that it was needed since it could’ve happened to him anyways knowing the hyper E! Hubby had gone home to drop E and this happened, after which the MIL tried to apply sugar to it but he would let anyone touch it. Hubby called me as he was getting out for office again after lunch and told me what happened. I generally don’t OVER REACT in a Hollywood mother kind of a way in such a scenario. I calmly called MIL and asked how is E? They said he is sleeping. I calmly asked do we need to put any ointment or medicine on it which I can bring on my way back from work, she (the MIL) overreacted and said NO need, only sugar needs to put. She went on saying again and again and that he is perfectly fine and is sleeping and “Sirf cheeni hi lagatey hain”. I said fine and she banged the phone on me.
This weekend, E developed an infection on his lip and is currently on Antibiotics for healing it.
• On Saturday, we all decided to take all the kids for a checkup and especially show E for his lips and plus E’s been having slight fever since a week which goes up to max 101 and then gets normal again. Call me a bad mum; it didn’t even occur to me that he might be showing signs of malaria. When hubby came home, E was his usual self and had no temp and hubby said to leave it, we don’t need to take him to the doctor. I said fine.
• The only good part, Saturday night we ALL were invited to a wedding where SIL refused to come along, MIL said the same thing, FIL wasn’t feeling well. I told Hubby I WANT to go out with him and E and spend some quality time with them. It turned out great, it was raining cats and dogs and the weather gave us much respite from the hot and humid days, we got out late for the wedding, enjoyed the cool air while E slept. In the wedding hall, very few people turned up due to the heavy rain so it was not too crowded and we had a lot of fun. After getting out from the wedding, myself, hubby and E started racing on the side space they have out side the hall so more fun added to it. As we got in car, E started getting feverish again. When we reached home, I gave E some Calpol to get him through the night on which SIL taunted, in a joking way, albeit a taunt, Hubby that “Aisa nahin k bacche ko doctor ke pass le jao, chal diye ho shadi pe”. I know very well if hubby had taken it seriously and commented back, it wouldn’t have been a great scene.
• Sunday: had sort of a row with FIL where I told him I need the other car on Monday morning to take E to the doctor and get him checked for a possible malaria and he refused saying he had work till 11-12 pm which was too late for me. I wasn’t direct but gave him the message that E’s health is important and cannot be ignored anymore, ALL in front of hubby, who stayed quite. Hubby then told me he would take the next day’s first half off and take us ALL (Myself, E, SIL, her 2 daughters and MIL) to the doctor.
• The plan to go to doctor was fixed at 9:30 am as there is always an hour long waiting at this particular doctor. Hubby, on our way back from dinner on Sunday night, told all in the car that we need to be out by 9:30 am. The SIL was talking softly that her kids (Read: her kids AND herself) are not up by that time and when they are up their breakfast needs time. She was telling all this to MIL in a hushed tone. She could’ve told hubby right then and there that she won’t come so early but she didn’t and hubby even after hearing this acted like he did not hear it. Morning came and we were up and as expected it was dark for all the other at home. MIL still got up and ready to come with us but then hubby told her to stay home and we’ll take E to the doctor. I suspect that MIL did not appreciate it but then we can’t keep everyone happy. SIL not only did not come with us, she didn’t even have the courtesy to let us know that they won’t be coming. She has been cribbing about taking her kids to this doctor since the day she came and ALWAYS complains of the CAR not being available. {We live pretty far from the main city and thus its not possible for the car to stay at home since its needed to pick E up and then FIL sits at our shop which constantly needs the car for picking and dropping supplies}. When we got back home, as expected, everyone was showing an attitude and I stayed nonchalant. Told MIL what the doc said when she didn’t even ask and hubby was in the kitchen then and saw MIL’s expressions quite clearly but didn’t say anything, neither did I. SIL then said she wants to reschedule her flight to one week BEFORE the planned date. Neither I, nor hubby protested and booked it. When hubby asked her why she wants to leave before, she said her hubby is alone there, we said fine, suit yourself.
I don’t think I have it in me to write any further.





Temper

1 06 2011

I went through an incident worth noting here. Last night took E to the Community center and as usual he would not sit still for a minute so took him in the baby room where not so baby friendly things are kept, since its not ACTUALLY a baby room. It has 2 PCs kept there and E was playing with them and then he went out when a lady comes there with 2 boys, one must be 5 years and other a 6 – 8 month old. When E came back to that room, the 5 year was on one of the computers (P.S.: Both the PCs were NOT in working condition.) As is E’s nature, he went to the PC where that kid was playing and I gently told E to use the other system but he was stubborn to stick to it. Then after a while the MOTHER told the 5 yr old to use the other system. The kid went there but BOY OH BOY IN WHAT RAGE! I could see fire coming out of that kids eyes. He pulled out the keyboard drawer with all his might and then pushed it again just to show his anger. The kid then went out of the room in his anger and I was looking at the MOTHER and the KID *WIDE EYED*. E went after him and the boy returned running like a GUNDA, his fist and jaws clenched and pure rage in his eyes and I told the mother “Itna gussa?””So much anger?” and she goes like “Yeh gussey ka thora tez hai””Yes, he tends to get a little TOO angry”. Is it just me or is this shocking for anyone else too. I bet if E were alone, the kid would have surely hit him badly looking at his reaction.

This incident left me shocked and stunned! Should a kid this young be indulged when he gets THIS angry? Your views please.

In another news, the SIL and her kids are here and boy or boy, are we having a party or what! E has gotten so possessive and insecure. He has also started his negative behavior of hitting and spitting to get our attention. We’ve tried everything in the book but he just continues it. Whenever he is alone with us, he is the sweetest boy but when in company of the cousins, it’s like some devil has comes over him. Plus his diet is also getting affected by it. He barely finished half of his dinner. Whenever he does not eat well, I tend to take things on my head and completely loose it. Right now looking at E’s jealousy, I was tell Hubby, are you sure we didn’t hurry in deciding to bring baby 2? How will we manage when we are barely able to manage E! we are so low on patience!!





Handling it

4 08 2010

Mashallah, E is adjusting well to the whole full day at the day care schedule, more so because touchwood he falls asleep for the major part of the afternoon.

Yesterday he came home with a honey bee sting on his hand. This is twice after joining the day care. He’s had one before the day care too which was when he was playing outside a lot. It makes my heart ache to see his hand like that and since I generally tend to get very rude in interrogating the staff about E’s well being, I told hubby to talk to them. If not for day care, E is generally up to some naughtiness and comes up with newer ways to putting himself in danger. He just wont sit still but Alhamdulillah as I’ve seen him sit still when he had his elbow pulled and I didn’t like it one bit.

We’re generally up and on the go by 7:00 when E wakes up. We get out of the house by 7:45 max without any of us having any breakfast as E eats his breakfast at the center and us at work. Hubby drops him and picks him as I’ve got time restrictions at the office.

Oh and speaking of office, there is going to be some serious downsizing happening very soon but not sure if I’ll come under the knife too since I’m a permanent staff member but you never know.

Anyways, I get E in my hand by 5:30 pm and reach home by 6:15. Get E ready again, get his juice, pack his bag and out again by 7:00pm and back by 9:00pm on a good day. While we eat food, I simultaneously cook the next day’s food for us and E. Then get E ready for bed give him milk and put him to sleep by 10 (on a good day).

We also supply some homemade stuff product to our shop so after E is asleep, I and hubby get down to making it. After 1 hour doing that we call it a day and we barely talk as soon as we hit the sheets. Since the last 5 days, we haven’t talked properly with each other except for the calls we make to each other during the day. We so dead tired at night and my backache is returning with a vengeance.

Its tough but some days I tell myself that its just a few more days till Ramadan and all would be relaxed after that and some days I think I can’t handle it. It has also made me realize that a woman is never as weak as she looks.

May Allah give me the strength to be the best wife, mother and home maker . Ameen





a confusing weekend

19 07 2010

I’m having one of those bad days where I see the negative in everything. I’ve been feeling very down since morning and thought if I jotted down my thoughts, maybe you guys would help me see the positive in it somewhere.

As I mentioned before, E came back from his week long trip and the kind of enthusiasm we wished to see upon seeing the parents was not to be. He glanced and then turned another way. Only after a few minutes would he acknowledge our presence and bestow us his smiles. On reaching home and getting over with the normal chores, we went upstairs to put him to sleep. The weather has been extremely hot the last week and with the frequent power cuts, it’s becoming impossible to live with out AC. Plus, our room is in such a location where it is easily the HOTTEST room in summers and the COLDEST room in winters. As soon as we put E to sleep, our bad luck that the power went out and upon enquiry we found out that it was a long fault and there would be no power for a few hours. After the UPS battery went out, Hubby did the most logical thing he could. He picked E up and put him to sleep between MIL and FIL since their room has the most favorable conditions during such extreme weathers. Even when the light came back, hubby insisted that leave E there as our room would take min an hour to cool down. I said ok but did not want to sleep without E another night.

The next day even if I was really glad of having E back, the MIL was discreetly giving hints that the house was not clean enough, the fridge was not stocked enough, and heck the atta was finished too. And I silently went on seething that doesn’t she realize I’m out of house till evening and then am only home for an hour before leaving again for the community center and then get home late bone tired that I need time to figure what needs to be stocked and what not. Then she started cribbing about the maid not doing her job and that I need to check it. Lady, how can I check when I’m out when she comes. I’m very relaxed about the housekeeping and all and she’s quite uptight. Even when hubby asked what was wrong with me I just changed the topic. He doesn’t exactly take such things too well.

And last night again the power cuts so hubby said that lets move the mattress in the in laws’ room and sleep together so we could at least catch a few winks. I was very reluctant about it but gave in because of E as he had all those pores on his face due to summer. While trying to put E to sleep, he started crying as he is not used to sleeping with me so the MIL got the chance to take him with her once again. I felt so devastated. It’s not like she’s trying to take him but I feel like E doesn’t need me anymore. Whenever I’m trying to put E to sleep, if he cries, she takes him from me and puts him to sleep. And since E is with the MIL most of the time, he prefers going to her.

I don’t know what I should feel. I agreed to share the same room so my son could have a better quality sleep. Did I do anything wrong? I sent E for a week’s trip so he could meet the cousins and relatives and more so his nana nani, did I do anything wrong? Too many questions I have which are upsetting me. I’m not telling hubby much about it as his parents will be going to Amreeka in 2 weeks so what’s the point of cribbing when I’ll be getting after 2 weeks? Should I be letting her know that this is my way of doing things and get ready to have a distance between myself and hubby?





Bad mommy?

28 06 2010

I’ve been deliberating talking about this particular topic. My SIL has just gotten separated from her MIL. They had quite a few issues and we’re right on with her to get separated ASAP. Now since the house changing she’s been after the Hubby and MIL to come visit and particularly mentioned bring E. After many discussions we finally decided we would send them for a week. The point of my deliberation is that many people have an issue with you sending your kids away from yourself. Even though I know I’ll miss E like anything, this time I’m not overreacting like the world in crashing or something like I used to think? And then I thought, I’m away from E for almost 10 hours on a good day so what is wrong if travels with his daddi and gets to meet nana nani and so many more relatives. I talk about sending the kid abroad for studies and cant even handle him being away fro a week.

But what pisses me off is the LOOK people give as if we’re the world’s Worst parents who are sending their kid away. I need to clarify it to them that I’m sending him by “choice” not because I have to since no one’s there to take care of him. I would have gladly sent him to daycare right away which he has to eventually start after a month.

I think it’s actually a good idea as the weekend they will be gone is a particularly busy weekend and he would have been very VERY cranky if he were to be dragged everyone around with us. It would also do us good as I’d get my required rest and get over the sleep deprivation so I think there’s no harm.

You guys tell me; do I appear to be really cold hearted if I send my kid away for a week?





Too much of whining…

22 06 2010

I realize my posts are starting to sound too depressing. I know I’ve named my blog Whiny for a purpose but still….! But what can I do? All I think about these days is sad and depressing things. I’ve taken such a negative attitude towards things and people in general. I can’t understand for the life of me why I have to complicate things to an extreme. I’m constantly stressing myself which don’t need to be pondered on. I’ve decided enough is enough. I need to free up my mind from these stressful thoughts. And for that I’ll blog about them:

Health:

First and foremost is my health. I don’t remember the last time I felt great, health wise. I’ve generally lost my appetite and even if I eat, I eat useless stuff which has result in a silly bulge in my upper abdomen. As the doctors have diagnosed, I have calcium deficiency after child birth and due to my poor diet I need to have supplements. I’m almost always in pain due to my tailbone pain or feeling nauseas or generally too tired for any activity. Even after having a full nights’ sleep, I’m yawning or too lethargic and seems like I’m drained of all my energy.

Hubby:

It’s been a long time since I enjoyed my marriage and my relationship with my husband. He is such a great guy and does not deserve my negative energies. I snap, I fight, expect too much from him, blame him for everything that’s going wrong with me, blame him for not taking care of me and then get mad by saying that you are no longer the person I married. Heck, I’m not the person he married either! After the baby, I basically kicked our relationship and our social life in the gut! Yes, I wanted the in-laws to be a part of our outings and wanted to enjoy with them but did not realize that we should have some ‘Us’ time as well with the 3 of us or the 2 of us. I’m generally so impatient with him, and generally all our nights end with me putting E to sleep and then going to sleep, him coming in the room after ironing his clothes and crashing in bed. Not a word uttered in between. So you can see how bad we’re handling each other after one kid! I was remembering my ex’s words in relation to this when he said that I might be happy now because of hubby (my then fiancé) but my nature’s flaw will not change and it will come to haunt you and your relationship and his words are coming true.

I’ve realized this and am trying to amend it since the last 2 days. I’m trying to be more patient, being more loving and expecting less from him and more from myself to make this better for the 2 of us. Also I realize that we’ll be able to spend a lot more alone and with kiddo time when in laws would be gone and instead of getting worried about how I’m going to be handling the work and home, I should focus on how much freedom I’ll finally be getting.

E – My boy:

I seem to have stopped enjoying E’s antics. All I do is get frustrated and tired with him, scold him and sometimes hit him for being so fidgety not realizing that toddlers are not constructed to SIT still! I have to stop and smile at him no matter how tired or how much in pain I am. This is the time that they have to enjoy and live a life before schools and competitions set it.

In – laws:

I have to stop thinking that would they like it or not. Without even them asking or saying anything, I’ve started assuming that they won’t like it or not. What am I trying to be, God!?? And I also have to stop worrying how much work it will be after they’re gone and start getting excited of the freedom.  Also I’ve decided I will stop worrying about what I’d do if we were to shift during their absence. Hubby is right, if we find the right house then there’s not point waiting for them to come and letting the house go out of our hands. We’ll handle it when it happens so no use worrying about it.