back again… but no longer a working mother

aloha!
im back again… yea i know after a very very long time but this time i have a different identity.
i QUIT my job.
i dunno if i should be happy or sad about it but whats done is for the best currently.
iv been on maternity leave since 5 months (3.5 months after A was born), everyone said the colic would be gone by the time ur kid is 3 months but nopes… the kid drives me up the wall!! i shud have gotten pretty immune to his crying i aint! so i quit since the mil is unable to take care of a hysterically crying baby.. people say the first kid makes u a mother, but in my case, the second one did.
im just managing a little freelance work from home but nothing too much. boy is staying at home a tough job or what. iv been on the other side as well but this is tough, there’s just no break time at all. specially with a kid like A who constantly needs to be either held or rocked and seriously my back will one day give in and i’ll die!
ok so im exaggerating but its just too much work.. .oh well that’s why i’m a mother right?
god iv been away from the blogging world for so long, i so miss u guys!
just trying to find a time when both kids give me time.
about E, well he’s slowly adjusting to his role of being an elder brother. does get jealous quite often but managing. about A, well he’s all us 🙂 not sleeping through the night yet, not even drinking breast milk or formula as much as he should. just very very whiny all the TIME! may be its due to the fact that im accessible to him at all times.
you know when people hear iv left my job for A, they have the nerve to say that with the first you never paid any attention to the kid, only to your job! the nerve!! dammit! urggghh made me so angry…! whtever!
and when i went to give my resignation, the head dint even bother asking why im resigning… his body language was like good riddance. maybe i should nt be thinking all these things as it is depressing me.
tomorrow is the valentines day and im feeling what the hell is the fuss all about. i feel OLD ! im a mother of 2 boys and i feel like a 60 year old.. tell me this phase will pass soon and A’s colic will go away too… plus his not taking enough milk is also driving me crazy. hey did anyone of you started solids at like 4 months or so?
this is so random, il try to be regular and more composed. thanks for hearing me out.. love ya!

a happy post after a long time

My 100th post! Got to give you something to cheer up 🙂 Its been long since I wrote since I wanted the 100th post to be a positive one. Lets get on with it since it will be a bullet point one:
• I’m 32 weeks Pregnant. Time flies, its almost time for me to pack my bag 🙂 I’m just getting very nervous and scared even when I’ve been through it. I’ve gathered almost all the stuff I’ll need in the first few weeks for the baby. The aches and pains are getting harder to bear but just a few more weeks of this!
• E will be starting Big School right after Eid Inshallah and I really really love his school. I hope he loves it as much as I do. He’s excited to take his new lunch box and water bottle and I hope he does well with the mingling and calming down as well.
• Eid is coming and I’ve bought the cutest, most adorable Shalwar Kameez for E accompanied by matching sandals. Who says you can’t enjoy dressing up boys? :p
• Work front, we have a new boss and he’s keeping me occupied. Not stressful but enough to keep my mind busy. I will be starting my maternity leaves right after eid. This time, unlike E’s time, I’ve decided to take leaves according to the govt rules of prenatal and postnatal leaves as I don’t want to get fake documents, plus I want to spend the last weeks with E. I love the idea of being home to feed E lunch when he gets back from school. Fingers crossed, I hope things turn out as planned.
• My mom is coming in another month!
• Our new home is just about completed and we’re planning to shift just before the baby comes in. Inshallah
• One troubling thought is that E is not putting on weight or height since the last 2-3 months and I’m not sure what to do about it. He’s eating normal albeit slight less then what he used to but his naughtiness and activeness is increasing by folds. He still does fall in the normal category of height/weight for his age though but he’s not growing per say. Experienced moms, opinions please.

this post does not deserve a title

Long rant ahead, I’m in a whiny WHINY mood and YOU my readers will suffer the wrath. Most of the post ahead will not make sense and will have many spell check errors, but I don’t CARE! (Yes, I write mostly when I’m drowning in self pity)

I think I’m at the lowest point of my life; I CAN and DO cry at the drop of a hat. I’m the most miserable when I’m at work as I have NO WORK. Apart from that my will to work has GONE! I feel old and rusted and feel all my education has gone down the drain. I’m getting more and more distant from my colleagues here. I’m interacting VERY less with everyone. I’m feeling so useless that I feel sorry for the company that they are tolerating me in my inactivity. I don’t know what I will decide after the maternity leave is over and my baby will Insha Allah be safely out of me and seeing if a maid situation works out or not but I think I’m mentally prepared for a break. If this is the kind of work conditions I have to return to, then I might as well be with my babies.

As stated before, my boss has become the project manager for another project outside of my division so he stays outstation 4/5 working days, comes on one day and is roaming and boasting about him and the scale of project the whole day. He has absolutely NO work yet for us, especially I. I had specifically told him that the management is getting frustrated with the lack of work our section has and he calmly said, its ok if you are IDLE for a few days, not the end of the world. He does NOT care to protect his own section as he is involved in this BIG project. Another one of the reason is probably because he can see I’m on family way so he does not trust me with any responsibilities. I’m interacting less with the section people as well as females I used to call “Friends”. I eat my lunch alone on my seat and just keep the bloggers as my company and either go to the GIRLS if I feel like it, which is becoming rare nowadays. I feel so out of all the discussion and so in the pits that I feel I’m alone even in a crowd. Not good for the self esteem. I generally read blogs the whole day and either get up for loo breaks or a few minutes chit chat or come on seat and keep my head down. I just can’t wait to head back home and be with E.

Pregnancy wise, its Masha Allah the 7th month and am at a stage where I’m getting bigger by the day, hogging like a pig and looking at thin and smart people make me depressed, Every day I look at myself in the mirror and think I’m FAT (Duh!) and UGLY and as hubby if he still loves me (he’s smart enough to say the right thing). I have aches and pains everywhere, getting up, sitting down, walking, lying, everything is a chore and it’s a terrible feeling to get up in the morning after an 8 hour interrupted sleep (E and loo breaks) and feel tired even then! People can actually predict what I will be wearing the next day due to my limited MATERNITY wear (yea, I’m THAT shallow). Doing work for and lifting E is getting difficult due to the football hanging between my legs.

E, in addition to getting sweeter by the day, is also getting a will of his own. He’s back to his bad behavior of spitting, hitting, pinching, shouting and crying even he’s ALL our attention. I fail to understand what to do. His routine is back to normal and I’m trying my best not to hit him in order to discipline him but nothings working (he’s 2.5 yrs btw). He has also started getting up in the middle of the night (as many as he wants) and crawls or jumps in our bed, where he ends up kicking my tummy or back as he pleases in his sleep. Not good for later! I so want to take out E from his daycare as I feel he’s not learning much there but I don’t want him to end up at home all day. That’s why I’m trying to get him admitted in a school so that he can transition from daycare to a playgroup. It will be difficult with the new baby home but I’ll have additional things on my hand so I cant say I’m bored.

I’m missing my folks terribly. I just feel like curling up in my father’s lap and weeping. I never tell my folks about my problems (touchwood, I don’t have any) or my depression. The only people I share it with is my male colleague who is also a great friend, and sometimes my hubby if I’m in the mood for it and of course you my blog friends.

Silver lining: MIL and hubby are being the sweetest and doing their best to help me out in my time of difficulty.

Protected: Bad mommy moment

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