Depressive week not over yet

Hubby and I had a HUGE fight last night. Correction, early morning! At 3:00 AM.

Sorry for the extremely descriptive post but I can’t help it. As evident from my previous post, I haven’t been in the best of moods since quite a few days. Would you believe we haven’t done the deed in more then a month and we’ve been married for what like 4 years!! I don’t even remember when I did it last and I don’t miss it either! I don’t know if it’s just me or if other working mothers feel the same way too but have I lost interest in it or am I just tired?? Love birds are a DISTANT term for us. But anyways that is not the point of this post but I just wanted to show that we’ve been strained since a while.

Since stopping E’s Anti allergic, he’s been getting up at approx 2-2:30 am every night crying and ends up Screaming when we try to soothe him. He wants to hold on to our earlobes while he’s trying to put himself to sleep and then pulls and when we try to put his hands on his ears, he screams. Last night he repeated the same thing and after trying for 30 minutes, I ssssshhhhd him a little loudly when he started crying. This made the hubby mad as he was already up. He asked me should I get milk, I said no, it may be gas so I’ll just give him some gripe water to which hubby got exasperated and said “Do you enjoy hearing E crying like this?” Can you ever ask this kind of a question from a mother? Can you? I didn’t say anything then and gave E some gripe water and rocked and sang him to sleep.

Went outside the room to the stairs and cried and cried till I had no tears left. I was so shocked by what he said that I didn’t want to stay in the same room with him. I hated him so much in that one second that I wanted to give up trying to work this relationship. I couldn’t understand for the life of me why he would let E come between us like this. Why would someone say such hurtful things in the middle of the night because the boy was up screaming? He thinks that the solution to E’s entire problem is giving him a bottle of milk, or getting him to sleep in the middle. If he would not have slept after rocking, I’d have put him to sleep beside me. But shouting out like that scares me and the baby, both for different reasons.

I don’t know what’s gotten in him or rather what’s gotten in us. We’ve lost respect for each other; we are more impatient with dealing with each other as well as E. We hardly talk when we get home. I end up sleeping early while putting him to sleep and he stays up till late. We hardly cuddle while sleeping as I’m mostly asleep by the time he comes.

I have a huge lump in my throat while writing all this.

After about half and hour E cried again and hubby put him back to sleep. He came out to me while I was crying and said he was sorry and hugged me tight. Said he was very sorry for what he said, took me to the room and put me to bed and patted me like we do to E till I fell asleep.

Depressive post ahead…

I’m sad today. It suddenly dawned on me that I’m so old. Maybe not age wise but I feel so old. Last night I went to my friend’s engagement party and didn’t take Hubby and E along since I did not want to end up running crazy after E. Since 2 of my old friends from University were also coming, I wanted to enjoy with them since I was so happy for meeting them all after so many years. The minute I stepped inside, I knew I did not belong here. The over dressed and over pretentious group of people. Met the groom (my friend) and then he went to his place on the stage. The other friend came with his newly married wife and I felt so OLD in front of her, not to forget Underdressed. The maximum time of the function I spent alone on my mobile. I’m not sure if I’d had thought the same thing had my best friends from the same showed up. I haven’t really been too much in touch with them since a long time now. I kept missing hubby and E thinking that those are the people  I belong with. I’m not complete with out them. I missed running after E, at least that way I wouldn’t have been terribly conscious of my self.

This is when that after marriage or kids or any new milestone, you tend to gravitate towards the new person and do not make much of an effort to remain in touch. There are some friends with whom time does not matter and you can meet after years and start where you left. The ones I met last night were not amongst them.

But I do regret not staying in touch with a lot of people due to my hectic life. At the end of the day I have absolutely no one who I can confide in. My best friend has shifted to another country and I so miss her but I don’t call her thinking that what if there are silent gaps while talking to her, what if we don’t have anything to talk about? What if we can’t reconnect again? I prefer writing to her rather than talking to keep alive the myth of my mind that I have a best friend when the truth is that we kind of lost touch when she and I got married and got busy with our lives.

I’m the kind who likes the predictability of my routine. Maybe I want to be so busy that I don’t get time to think about the lack of friends in my life. The result of it all was that I ended up in that terrible phase of self pity! When you’re right down there you feel the following:

I don’t belong here

I look fat

I hate my hair

I’m so old! (At 27 years!!)

My hubby doesn’t love me (Even when he wakes up early every morning to make me tea and scrambled egg with cheese)

I’m so UNDER DRESSED

I’m unable to be good daughter, DIL, wife or a good mother!

I feel like Shit!

Petroleum jelly allergy anyone?

The last time I went to my doctor, he told me to put petroleum jelly on E’s skin to keep him hydrated. I found this a great idea and went home with a new bottle of Vaseline Petroleum jelly. After giving E a bath with his moisturizing body wash STOKO hair and body wash, I rubbed the Petroleum jelly all over his body and went about our way. The next day I didn’t give him any bath and the third again repeated the bath and jelly. On the 4th day, he had a pink rash all over his body. After we took him to the doctor, we found out that he had an allergic reaction and he was prescribed antihistamines for the day and night coupled with 2 parts Dermosave(check the spelling) cream and 1 part of Betonil mixed and rubbed all over the effected areas (which is the whole body). I asked the doctor if E had measles and he replied that measles comes with fever and sour throat, none of which E had. I’m still wondering if the measles vaccination takes care of fever and sour throat and only shows the rash but I should trust the doctor’s judgment. I also asked about him accidentally eating beef and he didn’t sound too concerned and said just keep him off egg for the time being which I’ve already taken him off from. Can he be allergic to Petrolum jelly? Any ideas?

Beef allergy anyone?

I think I discovered another one of E’s allergy. I’m not too sure about whether it’s an allergy or just a lot of insect bites.

We had to go a wedding on Tuesday and E has a small bump on his forehead. Since the last 5-6 times that I’ve been to his doctor, he says they are all insect bites and his skin being Hyper sensitive, reacts in this way. So I’m never sure whether its one of these this time too. The wedding food was all Beef and a relative of mine put a piece in his mouth while I was giving him only rice. That night he was up from 3:30- 5:00, writhing and crying at night and he was really gassy and scratching his forehead.  He would go to sleep and then wakeup again crying and this continued on for 2 hours. Finally at 5:00 am I took him out of his cot and started rocking him. Told hubby to fetch me gripewater and after that he was much better and slept till 8:00. In the morning, I saw the bumps spread over the other side of his forehead and on his skull and back side of neck. There’s just one on his back and mostly on exposed parts which makes me wonder that if it’s on the exposed parts then it’s bound to be an insect bite. He’s been scratching it a lot and I’ve started his Anti-allergic course last night and put the antibiotic cream on his face. The swelling on his bumps have gone down a little and it’s just the red circles of pea sized remaining. I’m still not too sure if it’s an allergy or not and whether it was aggravated by beef or not. Can you guys please help me out?  I’ll see for the next two days with the medicine and cream and will then go to the doctor.

long time no see

It’s been so long since I wrote a post. It’s a shame I’ve been ignoring the blog but I really got into a very tight routine due to Ramadan. Now that eid is done with we’ll be getting back to our same old routine. Had a blast in eid, went for dawats for 3 whole days. In fact now we’re tired of eating out.

Oh it’s my birthday today! I turn 27! Yeayyy!

My boy looked so good on eid day Mashallah in a White Shalwar Kameez, Mashallah… Overall it was a good 4 days of vacation