back again… but no longer a working mother

13 02 2012

im back again… yea i know after a very very long time but this time i have a different identity.
i QUIT my job.
i dunno if i should be happy or sad about it but whats done is for the best currently.
iv been on maternity leave since 5 months (3.5 months after A was born), everyone said the colic would be gone by the time ur kid is 3 months but nopes… the kid drives me up the wall!! i shud have gotten pretty immune to his crying i aint! so i quit since the mil is unable to take care of a hysterically crying baby.. people say the first kid makes u a mother, but in my case, the second one did.
im just managing a little freelance work from home but nothing too much. boy is staying at home a tough job or what. iv been on the other side as well but this is tough, there’s just no break time at all. specially with a kid like A who constantly needs to be either held or rocked and seriously my back will one day give in and i’ll die!
ok so im exaggerating but its just too much work.. .oh well that’s why i’m a mother right?
god iv been away from the blogging world for so long, i so miss u guys!
just trying to find a time when both kids give me time.
about E, well he’s slowly adjusting to his role of being an elder brother. does get jealous quite often but managing. about A, well he’s all us 🙂 not sleeping through the night yet, not even drinking breast milk or formula as much as he should. just very very whiny all the TIME! may be its due to the fact that im accessible to him at all times.
you know when people hear iv left my job for A, they have the nerve to say that with the first you never paid any attention to the kid, only to your job! the nerve!! dammit! urggghh made me so angry…! whtever!
and when i went to give my resignation, the head dint even bother asking why im resigning… his body language was like good riddance. maybe i should nt be thinking all these things as it is depressing me.
tomorrow is the valentines day and im feeling what the hell is the fuss all about. i feel OLD ! im a mother of 2 boys and i feel like a 60 year old.. tell me this phase will pass soon and A’s colic will go away too… plus his not taking enough milk is also driving me crazy. hey did anyone of you started solids at like 4 months or so?
this is so random, il try to be regular and more composed. thanks for hearing me out.. love ya!


this post does not deserve a title

21 07 2011

Long rant ahead, I’m in a whiny WHINY mood and YOU my readers will suffer the wrath. Most of the post ahead will not make sense and will have many spell check errors, but I don’t CARE! (Yes, I write mostly when I’m drowning in self pity)

I think I’m at the lowest point of my life; I CAN and DO cry at the drop of a hat. I’m the most miserable when I’m at work as I have NO WORK. Apart from that my will to work has GONE! I feel old and rusted and feel all my education has gone down the drain. I’m getting more and more distant from my colleagues here. I’m interacting VERY less with everyone. I’m feeling so useless that I feel sorry for the company that they are tolerating me in my inactivity. I don’t know what I will decide after the maternity leave is over and my baby will Insha Allah be safely out of me and seeing if a maid situation works out or not but I think I’m mentally prepared for a break. If this is the kind of work conditions I have to return to, then I might as well be with my babies.

As stated before, my boss has become the project manager for another project outside of my division so he stays outstation 4/5 working days, comes on one day and is roaming and boasting about him and the scale of project the whole day. He has absolutely NO work yet for us, especially I. I had specifically told him that the management is getting frustrated with the lack of work our section has and he calmly said, its ok if you are IDLE for a few days, not the end of the world. He does NOT care to protect his own section as he is involved in this BIG project. Another one of the reason is probably because he can see I’m on family way so he does not trust me with any responsibilities. I’m interacting less with the section people as well as females I used to call “Friends”. I eat my lunch alone on my seat and just keep the bloggers as my company and either go to the GIRLS if I feel like it, which is becoming rare nowadays. I feel so out of all the discussion and so in the pits that I feel I’m alone even in a crowd. Not good for the self esteem. I generally read blogs the whole day and either get up for loo breaks or a few minutes chit chat or come on seat and keep my head down. I just can’t wait to head back home and be with E.

Pregnancy wise, its Masha Allah the 7th month and am at a stage where I’m getting bigger by the day, hogging like a pig and looking at thin and smart people make me depressed, Every day I look at myself in the mirror and think I’m FAT (Duh!) and UGLY and as hubby if he still loves me (he’s smart enough to say the right thing). I have aches and pains everywhere, getting up, sitting down, walking, lying, everything is a chore and it’s a terrible feeling to get up in the morning after an 8 hour interrupted sleep (E and loo breaks) and feel tired even then! People can actually predict what I will be wearing the next day due to my limited MATERNITY wear (yea, I’m THAT shallow). Doing work for and lifting E is getting difficult due to the football hanging between my legs.

E, in addition to getting sweeter by the day, is also getting a will of his own. He’s back to his bad behavior of spitting, hitting, pinching, shouting and crying even he’s ALL our attention. I fail to understand what to do. His routine is back to normal and I’m trying my best not to hit him in order to discipline him but nothings working (he’s 2.5 yrs btw). He has also started getting up in the middle of the night (as many as he wants) and crawls or jumps in our bed, where he ends up kicking my tummy or back as he pleases in his sleep. Not good for later! I so want to take out E from his daycare as I feel he’s not learning much there but I don’t want him to end up at home all day. That’s why I’m trying to get him admitted in a school so that he can transition from daycare to a playgroup. It will be difficult with the new baby home but I’ll have additional things on my hand so I cant say I’m bored.

I’m missing my folks terribly. I just feel like curling up in my father’s lap and weeping. I never tell my folks about my problems (touchwood, I don’t have any) or my depression. The only people I share it with is my male colleague who is also a great friend, and sometimes my hubby if I’m in the mood for it and of course you my blog friends.

Silver lining: MIL and hubby are being the sweetest and doing their best to help me out in my time of difficulty.

Time to get down to business

6 07 2011

Been doing a lot of reading and no writing so its time to get on with business. As usual, it’ll be a bullet point update since I’m thinking too many things at the same time.
• SIL left 2 weeks back. E was initially missing them but now he has settled with the answer that they have gone home.
• E’s getting ubber sweet by the day since he has started speaking complete sentences. He leaves us gaping and in awe
• I’m 25+ weeks pregnant and showing very obviously. Started off at 47kg and went to 49kg, came down at 47 kg and now finally at 52 kg in 6 months. Blood reports are again showing a slight dip in my HB and I need to double my iron supplements and I just cannot do it. The medicines are too heavy for me and if I increase that then my appetite goes down. I know my tendency to get anemic so I know for a fact that I’ll eventually get the iron shots so I might as well not put my body through the double doses.
• SIL’s quick departure left a bad taste in our mouth (mine and hubby’s) but who am I to object?
• Since the beginning, I have always cautioned hubby as to not mix professional and personal life with each other but he would not pay heed to it. We have another shop in the SIL’s city and her husband is employed there since a few months now. The owner of the shop is now complaining to hubby that your BIL is just too casual over there plus there’s no discipline. He has given a warning that if it’s not sorted out, he will want hubby to fire BIL. I know it was the “I told you so” moment for me but I’m worried about what will happen now.
• Still procrastinating about continuing to work after the baby or not.
• The new house will Inshallah be ready by the time the baby is ready 😉 Plan to move before the D Day! Hope everything goes well.
• No news on E’s admission so I’m a nervous wreck right now.
• Office conditions are still as bad as before. No work AT ALL and sitting idle is killing me. My immediate supervisor has gone to another city for work assignments so he’s basically here for 1 day out of 5 and spends the day boasting about the work he has done (NOT!). I have no responsibilities just odd jobs which cannot be billed. The only consolation is that I have this month of July to get through since August is Ramadan and it’s easier with half day and right after Eid I should be on my Maternity leave. Though I have no clue what I’ll do on my Maternity leave Prenatal since E would also be out for half the day and there’s not much to be done at home. Oh well, I’ll procrastinate again! 🙂
• My mommy is coming in October!!! Yipppee 😀

weekend cribbing…

14 06 2011

Too much to write about this weekend. One day before weekend that is. I’m sorry but I’ll just bullet post it. This is a VERY long post mostly cribbing and whining so feel free to hit cross. I just had to vent it here.

• I had a long talk with Hubby about things at home and his behavior with MIL and SIL. I had this 30 something minute conversation on the cell with hubby since we don’t spend any time talking to each other at home. I told him that MIL and SIL are complaining about you temper and behavior to me. They know I will eventually tell you about it and the message will get through. I told him point blank that I don’t like the way SIL is bringing up her daughter but hitting and shouting and hurling abuses at her for 5 year olds tantrums. Heck she even shouts at her 6 month old during meal times who is always smiling and being a baby. BUT I don’t comment on it, nor do I preach about how to bring her kids up since I am no expert in that as I’m still learning. The only pity I feel is that MIL also doesn’t say much to her. I know if I do this at my parents’, they would only tolerate it for a day or two and then tell me to zip up and be a parent and let E be a baby. I also told Hubby that it is only MIL who can say something, not He or I. I told him that times have changed since the time they were kids and Hubby used to boss around SIL. Now when he tries to scold her, she shouts back in a nasty way which none of us appreciate since well times have changed for all of us. He also told me a few things which I need to fix at home in the sense that I need to stay out of most of MIL/SIL issues. I need to be more nonchalant about many things and let them plan and decide most things on their own rather then being the one to initiate plans for them. I told hubby that he has become a grouchy old man and he needs to be a little softer at home.
• I’ve crossed the 5th month of pregnancy and handling tantrums at home is getting on my nerves, combined with pregnancy hormones. I really want a vacation; just don’t know when and how.
• On Friday E slipped during bath and his teeth cut his lips. SIL was giving him a bath and left to get the towel and that’s when it happened. On seeing E’s blood she was crying and apologizing, not that it was needed since it could’ve happened to him anyways knowing the hyper E! Hubby had gone home to drop E and this happened, after which the MIL tried to apply sugar to it but he would let anyone touch it. Hubby called me as he was getting out for office again after lunch and told me what happened. I generally don’t OVER REACT in a Hollywood mother kind of a way in such a scenario. I calmly called MIL and asked how is E? They said he is sleeping. I calmly asked do we need to put any ointment or medicine on it which I can bring on my way back from work, she (the MIL) overreacted and said NO need, only sugar needs to put. She went on saying again and again and that he is perfectly fine and is sleeping and “Sirf cheeni hi lagatey hain”. I said fine and she banged the phone on me.
This weekend, E developed an infection on his lip and is currently on Antibiotics for healing it.
• On Saturday, we all decided to take all the kids for a checkup and especially show E for his lips and plus E’s been having slight fever since a week which goes up to max 101 and then gets normal again. Call me a bad mum; it didn’t even occur to me that he might be showing signs of malaria. When hubby came home, E was his usual self and had no temp and hubby said to leave it, we don’t need to take him to the doctor. I said fine.
• The only good part, Saturday night we ALL were invited to a wedding where SIL refused to come along, MIL said the same thing, FIL wasn’t feeling well. I told Hubby I WANT to go out with him and E and spend some quality time with them. It turned out great, it was raining cats and dogs and the weather gave us much respite from the hot and humid days, we got out late for the wedding, enjoyed the cool air while E slept. In the wedding hall, very few people turned up due to the heavy rain so it was not too crowded and we had a lot of fun. After getting out from the wedding, myself, hubby and E started racing on the side space they have out side the hall so more fun added to it. As we got in car, E started getting feverish again. When we reached home, I gave E some Calpol to get him through the night on which SIL taunted, in a joking way, albeit a taunt, Hubby that “Aisa nahin k bacche ko doctor ke pass le jao, chal diye ho shadi pe”. I know very well if hubby had taken it seriously and commented back, it wouldn’t have been a great scene.
• Sunday: had sort of a row with FIL where I told him I need the other car on Monday morning to take E to the doctor and get him checked for a possible malaria and he refused saying he had work till 11-12 pm which was too late for me. I wasn’t direct but gave him the message that E’s health is important and cannot be ignored anymore, ALL in front of hubby, who stayed quite. Hubby then told me he would take the next day’s first half off and take us ALL (Myself, E, SIL, her 2 daughters and MIL) to the doctor.
• The plan to go to doctor was fixed at 9:30 am as there is always an hour long waiting at this particular doctor. Hubby, on our way back from dinner on Sunday night, told all in the car that we need to be out by 9:30 am. The SIL was talking softly that her kids (Read: her kids AND herself) are not up by that time and when they are up their breakfast needs time. She was telling all this to MIL in a hushed tone. She could’ve told hubby right then and there that she won’t come so early but she didn’t and hubby even after hearing this acted like he did not hear it. Morning came and we were up and as expected it was dark for all the other at home. MIL still got up and ready to come with us but then hubby told her to stay home and we’ll take E to the doctor. I suspect that MIL did not appreciate it but then we can’t keep everyone happy. SIL not only did not come with us, she didn’t even have the courtesy to let us know that they won’t be coming. She has been cribbing about taking her kids to this doctor since the day she came and ALWAYS complains of the CAR not being available. {We live pretty far from the main city and thus its not possible for the car to stay at home since its needed to pick E up and then FIL sits at our shop which constantly needs the car for picking and dropping supplies}. When we got back home, as expected, everyone was showing an attitude and I stayed nonchalant. Told MIL what the doc said when she didn’t even ask and hubby was in the kitchen then and saw MIL’s expressions quite clearly but didn’t say anything, neither did I. SIL then said she wants to reschedule her flight to one week BEFORE the planned date. Neither I, nor hubby protested and booked it. When hubby asked her why she wants to leave before, she said her hubby is alone there, we said fine, suit yourself.
I don’t think I have it in me to write any further.

Weekend snippets

6 06 2011

As I previously mentioned the SIL is here with her kids and with E and the elder daughter of SIL fighting almost continuously, its getting pretty hard for us to actually function with the 2 of them home. It’s such a blessing that E leaves for daycare with us and comes home sleeping by 2:00 pm and wakes up in the evening. This leaves about 5-6 remaining hours for us to be taking care of both of them. The infant is so conveniently being ignored here with the 2 kids getting all the attention. It’s so great that she doesn’t understand all this sibling rivalry yet! I’m ashamed to admit that I have to resort to hitting again to condemn E’s behavior and I HATE IT! I promised myself that I wouldn’t spank him but I’ve tried scaring, scolding, shouting and giving him timeouts (He still does not understand it)! I spend all my time after work with E giving him the special attention but I don’t know what gets in him when he’s in the kids’ company. Terrible Twos mixed with Sibling Rivalry, A DEADLY COMBO I tell you! So to say that going back him is stressful is an understating!
Another thing I’ve noticed since SIL’s arrival is that Hubby seems to have taken a back seat in the sense that he’s gotten quiet when it should’ve been the other way around. I personally never had a GREAT relationship with my elder brother so it’s always a pleasant surprise when he does something out of the way for me. But Hubby and SIL have always been more attached and I feel sad looking at him like this.
Many contributing factors to all this is that MIL and SIL talk EVERY FREAKING DAY and God only knows what they talk about.
The fact that I or Hubby hasn’t called SIL in a week ticks off MIL and she becomes way to quiet to show us her displeasure till both of us have asked her “Haal Chaal”. Lady, don’t you see the mad rush we are in every single day! Anyways, not too much of an issue.
Another fact is that SIL has her different way of parenting and hubby has it different and when he protests on something SIL does with her kid seems to tick her off and she retorts back. Thankfully, MIL stays quiet. I’m trying to make him understand that nobody likes to be judged on their parenting style or their lifestyle so let her be.
There have been instances where hubby has commented to MIL about SIL (For her well being) which she has taken negatively and this has turned off hubby in being to friendly or being too open with them. Last night, MIL commented to me that hubby has not been in a good mood since morning and I went like acha? When I spoke to hubby about it, he said he has just becomes reserved about his comments and his observations…. I know I don’t like him being like this and MIL and SIL will both notice it for sure but I guess this is for her peaceful stay only.


1 06 2011

I went through an incident worth noting here. Last night took E to the Community center and as usual he would not sit still for a minute so took him in the baby room where not so baby friendly things are kept, since its not ACTUALLY a baby room. It has 2 PCs kept there and E was playing with them and then he went out when a lady comes there with 2 boys, one must be 5 years and other a 6 – 8 month old. When E came back to that room, the 5 year was on one of the computers (P.S.: Both the PCs were NOT in working condition.) As is E’s nature, he went to the PC where that kid was playing and I gently told E to use the other system but he was stubborn to stick to it. Then after a while the MOTHER told the 5 yr old to use the other system. The kid went there but BOY OH BOY IN WHAT RAGE! I could see fire coming out of that kids eyes. He pulled out the keyboard drawer with all his might and then pushed it again just to show his anger. The kid then went out of the room in his anger and I was looking at the MOTHER and the KID *WIDE EYED*. E went after him and the boy returned running like a GUNDA, his fist and jaws clenched and pure rage in his eyes and I told the mother “Itna gussa?””So much anger?” and she goes like “Yeh gussey ka thora tez hai””Yes, he tends to get a little TOO angry”. Is it just me or is this shocking for anyone else too. I bet if E were alone, the kid would have surely hit him badly looking at his reaction.

This incident left me shocked and stunned! Should a kid this young be indulged when he gets THIS angry? Your views please.

In another news, the SIL and her kids are here and boy or boy, are we having a party or what! E has gotten so possessive and insecure. He has also started his negative behavior of hitting and spitting to get our attention. We’ve tried everything in the book but he just continues it. Whenever he is alone with us, he is the sweetest boy but when in company of the cousins, it’s like some devil has comes over him. Plus his diet is also getting affected by it. He barely finished half of his dinner. Whenever he does not eat well, I tend to take things on my head and completely loose it. Right now looking at E’s jealousy, I was tell Hubby, are you sure we didn’t hurry in deciding to bring baby 2? How will we manage when we are barely able to manage E! we are so low on patience!!

pure whine

9 05 2011

I have seriously started HATING facebook! I barely write to a bunch of few people and the rest are only there to prove to me what a boring life I have! Vacationing in exotic locations and all, I feel “did I jump in the mommy bandwagon too soon?”.
Yea, go on thinking im a bad mommy… if im a bad mommy so be it but i have my days of self doubt and this is one of those days.

The thing is that now even if the hubby does tell me (Pre pregnancy 2 that is) that lets leave E with grandparents and go, I cant convince myself to leave him… when will this guilt leave me?

Look on the positive side, what have we achieved since we got married?

We have managed to pay off the home loan
Payed off the Car lease for the small car
Popped Baby E!
Bought a brand new bigger car “Lease free”
Sold our existing house and bought a smaller plot in a very good area
Made Baby 2.
Currently the house is under construction and the move would inshallah coincide with baby 2!

Am being too unreasonable right? I have so many things to be grateful for but then there are DAYS such as these when nothing seems great.. I should just shut up and get on with life!