this post does not deserve a title

Long rant ahead, I’m in a whiny WHINY mood and YOU my readers will suffer the wrath. Most of the post ahead will not make sense and will have many spell check errors, but I don’t CARE! (Yes, I write mostly when I’m drowning in self pity)

I think I’m at the lowest point of my life; I CAN and DO cry at the drop of a hat. I’m the most miserable when I’m at work as I have NO WORK. Apart from that my will to work has GONE! I feel old and rusted and feel all my education has gone down the drain. I’m getting more and more distant from my colleagues here. I’m interacting VERY less with everyone. I’m feeling so useless that I feel sorry for the company that they are tolerating me in my inactivity. I don’t know what I will decide after the maternity leave is over and my baby will Insha Allah be safely out of me and seeing if a maid situation works out or not but I think I’m mentally prepared for a break. If this is the kind of work conditions I have to return to, then I might as well be with my babies.

As stated before, my boss has become the project manager for another project outside of my division so he stays outstation 4/5 working days, comes on one day and is roaming and boasting about him and the scale of project the whole day. He has absolutely NO work yet for us, especially I. I had specifically told him that the management is getting frustrated with the lack of work our section has and he calmly said, its ok if you are IDLE for a few days, not the end of the world. He does NOT care to protect his own section as he is involved in this BIG project. Another one of the reason is probably because he can see I’m on family way so he does not trust me with any responsibilities. I’m interacting less with the section people as well as females I used to call “Friends”. I eat my lunch alone on my seat and just keep the bloggers as my company and either go to the GIRLS if I feel like it, which is becoming rare nowadays. I feel so out of all the discussion and so in the pits that I feel I’m alone even in a crowd. Not good for the self esteem. I generally read blogs the whole day and either get up for loo breaks or a few minutes chit chat or come on seat and keep my head down. I just can’t wait to head back home and be with E.

Pregnancy wise, its Masha Allah the 7th month and am at a stage where I’m getting bigger by the day, hogging like a pig and looking at thin and smart people make me depressed, Every day I look at myself in the mirror and think I’m FAT (Duh!) and UGLY and as hubby if he still loves me (he’s smart enough to say the right thing). I have aches and pains everywhere, getting up, sitting down, walking, lying, everything is a chore and it’s a terrible feeling to get up in the morning after an 8 hour interrupted sleep (E and loo breaks) and feel tired even then! People can actually predict what I will be wearing the next day due to my limited MATERNITY wear (yea, I’m THAT shallow). Doing work for and lifting E is getting difficult due to the football hanging between my legs.

E, in addition to getting sweeter by the day, is also getting a will of his own. He’s back to his bad behavior of spitting, hitting, pinching, shouting and crying even he’s ALL our attention. I fail to understand what to do. His routine is back to normal and I’m trying my best not to hit him in order to discipline him but nothings working (he’s 2.5 yrs btw). He has also started getting up in the middle of the night (as many as he wants) and crawls or jumps in our bed, where he ends up kicking my tummy or back as he pleases in his sleep. Not good for later! I so want to take out E from his daycare as I feel he’s not learning much there but I don’t want him to end up at home all day. That’s why I’m trying to get him admitted in a school so that he can transition from daycare to a playgroup. It will be difficult with the new baby home but I’ll have additional things on my hand so I cant say I’m bored.

I’m missing my folks terribly. I just feel like curling up in my father’s lap and weeping. I never tell my folks about my problems (touchwood, I don’t have any) or my depression. The only people I share it with is my male colleague who is also a great friend, and sometimes my hubby if I’m in the mood for it and of course you my blog friends.

Silver lining: MIL and hubby are being the sweetest and doing their best to help me out in my time of difficulty.

Updates

I guess I’ll just be doing a bullet point update today:

• E’s Mashallah doing well in his daycare and has started saying a lot of words like
  • Bur : Bird
  • Ca :  Cat  – Sound is Meow
  • Doo : Dog – Sound is Booo
  • Cao : Cow – Sound is Moo
  • Apane – Airplane
  • Shish – Fish
  • Mama
  • Baba
  • Dadu
  • Dadi
  • Nana
  • Nani
  • Hoss : Horse
  • Shoo : Shoe
  • Shou : Shop
  • Ho : Home
  • Baby
  • Caaa : Car
  • Shmau : Small
  • Bii : Big
  • Up
  • Dow : Down
  • Ships: Chips
  • Foo : Food
  • Doo : Milk
  • Pooh: Water
  • Fou : Phone
  • Botter : Bottle
  • Cook cook koo : Cuckarookoo
  • Pen : Open
  • Cose : Close
  • Barney (our favourite)
  • Tuter : Turtle
  • Pon pon Phia (I have absolutely no idea what it means)
  • E has officially started his Terrible Twos because he has gotten so STUBBORN. He’d throw a tantrum at the slightest of thing and has to cry for EVERYTHING. On top of that he has a cough and flu since the last week so has been very difficult food and sleep wise. I’ve changed his breakfast to weetabix for the last 2 days and was wondering if it’s a healthy and filling breakfast or not. Please let me know mothers.
  • Work wise things are better, many employees have been laid off but seems like we might be a little safe.
  • I’m getting better and better at cooking J and love doing it too.
  • Went to my doctor for my recurring back problem and after his thorough checkup he concluded that it’s just my bad posture and too much of sitting time in the office that is causing so much of back pain. HAH! Tell me something I don’t know 😉
  • I’ve concluded that my kids cannot EVER come in the school routine due to the fact that 3 days we will be home in time and 4^th day we will reach home late and everything would be messed up. I’ve decided that I will try my best to be home in time but won’t torture myself with it. Plus its ramzan now so the afternoons nap routine is messed up. E is sleeping in the morning and then again in evening so I’m hoping it will all be better after he goes back to his full day routine.
  • I really want to go see my parents at Eid but damn the tickets are expensive!! Urgghh… Plus we’re really planning on taking an international break on our 4^th anniversary so saving up for that. I’m so jealous of women who have their folks nearby 😥
  • In laws are doing well in USA. We talk to them almost every other day and they are having fun

Updates and what not

The in laws left Friday morning. I hate to admit this but the house is very depressing right now. There’s something about elders at home that make you feel secure. I took an off on Friday as Hubby had to go outstation for his conference and I also wanted E to do his half day at day care so I had to be home for him. Fortunately, hubby’s outstation visit was changed to in-station and I was glad I wouldn’t be left alone at home. I was home alone with E for 3 days and my, E was being a perfect example of a cranky baby. He would cry, try to drag me to the gate and scream his lungs out. He was at his worst tantrums. Probably due to the lack of sleep and also because he was missing his grandmother or perhaps he was so used to playing with kids at day care that he didn’t like being alone with me, I don’t know. Just that I started wishing for work day to start, so he could enjoy at school and I could get a much needed break. Boy, is SAHM difficult or what! The boy wouldn’t even let me go pee for God’s sake. It’s not difficult; it’s down right frustrating for me. Thank God he’s come into his school routine of getting to sleep early and getting up early which gives me some relief that he’s getting his required sleep. Today is his first full day at work and Alhamdulillah he’s doing well. Hubby dropped him and Mashallah he cried less today, only 5 minutes and he’s making progress. Now I am less apprehensive about working with him going to day care. God bless the day care supervisor who is trying hard to make E feel at home

Day 2

Day 2 started off with E letting go of our hand to go join his friends in the daycare. A wave of relief washed over us and we handed over his food items to the nanny. This is when I made the biggest mistake ever by saying TATA to him. Oh my God, after that there was no stopping his cries. He was shouting and shouting and it got impossible for me to leave. Then I again made another mistake by going back in there to console him. Somehow we managed to leave but still he was in his crying mood. After we reached office, I called them and they said he’s better now and trying to eat his breakfast by watching the TV. He managed to play outside in the rain and managed to sleep there for an hour too. I was somewhat relieved but am still concerned about E not getting his sleep. We had to go out for a dinner last night and he was being so weird there. He’s generally so friendly and happy and he was being so clingy last night due to lack of sleep. Plus we reached home really late and E slept late and was restless the whole night. Plus he started having flu too. We left him home with MIL today so he doesn’t fall sick before they leave but Hubby and I are really concerned. My only concern is, if he is not getting enough sleep then he won’t be my happy baby. Hubby and I are seriously thinking in lines of my dropping work. 6 months is a pretty long time and I will just not be able to tolerate if he has some nature changes.